Still in Louisiana

Well, still in LA. I decided to stay an extra couple of days to help go through things at the house with my mom and aunt. I also really just don't want to leave right now. It was hard enough leaving the funeral home and then leaving the cemetery.

I will be bringing back a few things, but there are some antiques I've always wanted that my mom and aunts are going to allow me to take rather than sell because I have the necessary ceiling height. I'll have to come back for those sometime with a moving truck. It is important to me to keep them in the family. They were purchased by Grandaddy, and if you've read my posts about him then you know how much that means to me. I've also grown up around them and they're very comforting. I know that they would both be ecstatic that I'm keeping them rather than selling them.

But there's no rush for that. There aren't any immediate plans to sell the house, so they can stay here as long as is necessary. Tomorrow we're meeting with the lawyer one more time and will probably go for meat pies in Natchitoches for lunch. Then we'll do some visiting and I'll do a little more picture taking.

That's all for now. Let's see how long this thing takes to post with a dial-up connection. It's painfully slow once you're used to high-speed.

And again, thank you for all of the kind words.

Thank you

Thank you for the comments and emails. It means a lot to know that people I've never met are concerned. I have been pretty numb for the most part the past couple of days, but I know that'll probably change later today.

My dad and I are driving to Natchitoches (pronounced nak-a-tish), Louisiana for the Rosary and Visitation today. Tomorrow we will have the funeral service in Gorum followed Thursday by a traditional return trip to the cemetery for a final good-bye. They have some interesting backwoods traditions in Gorum and that's one of them. I'll be heading back Thursday.

I'm not looking forward to the next few days. I think one of the hardest things will be walking into her house and smelling her. She hasn't smelled like "Grandma" since she's been in the hospital for so long. I think that might be one of the more upsetting things. But anyway...I'll be writing when I get back. Especially about Gorum in general. This will give me a great opportunity to get pictures to share of the little town lost to time.

Corliss Basco Flournoy 1929-2008

This morning, at 9:30, Grandma passed away. I was at her side holding her hand during her last hour. She had been fighting pneumonia for over a month that she caught after intestinal surgery. She had improved immensely and was moved to a rehab facility last week. Last night my mom spent time with her watching the SC primaries and talking politics while eating Gumbo - two of Grandma's favorite things. Later in the evening things changed rapidly. She had sepsis and was going downhill fast. I'm just glad I had the opportunity to be there in the room when she passed. It was very peaceful and quiet.

I know that's a very brief version of what happened, but I don't want to concentrate on her last few hours. I'm still in shock and can't really think of anything else right now unfortunately. I will be writing about her later this week. I'll definitely be sharing the funeral experience. For those of you who haven't been to a backwoods Louisiana funeral, it's an experience and definitely worth writing about.

You know you're a fag when...

...you spend $175 a ticket just to sit within 30 feet of Dolly Parton. Yes, today Dolly Parton tickets went on sale. Somehow I missed the Presale notice and had to wait until the General Public was allowed to buy. So, at exactly 10:00am I entered my info for 3 tickets. The best available were in the 3rd section up of Nokia Theatre - at the top of the section. OK, so she's only about 5'4" and thin as a rail. All I'd be able to see is hair and boobs - that's not good enough.

I went back to the beginning and saw a little button that said "Silver Package". What's this? Our (Mark and Brian included) seats are in the center section, 3rd row up. I almost wet my pants. Actually, I did a little.

I can't explain what it is about Dolly, but for as long as I can remember I've wanted to meet her. I just wanna sit down and talk. Any woman that says, "If I were born a man I would've been a drag queen" is alright with me. While I won't get to meet her, this is the closest I can get right now.

Love her!!!!

Heath Ledger 1979-2008

Just a quick note, Heath Ledger died of an apparent overdose yesterday 01/22/08. There is a lot of speculation on what happened, so I'll leave that to the pros. Cause of death is still unknown and the autopsy is today. Extremely sad and a huge loss. He was 28.

Weirdest thing...

This morning when I pulled up to 7-11 to get coffee I looked down into my change tray and it was empty. My change tray is always full (except when my ex would empty it, but he's in CA.) I'm so anal about my doors being locked, but nothing was broken and nothing else was missing, so I must have left them unlocked.

I was trying to trace it back to when it could've happened. I remembered that when I got home last night from Mark & Brian's that my ashtray was open which sits above the change tray. I thought it was odd, but it was late and I just closed it without another thought. Apparently it was knocked open when whoever was getting the change out of my car.

I'm just always so careful about locking my doors in their neighborhood because there have been break-ins. Whoever it was obviously needed the change more than I do, so they're welcome to it. I'm actually not upset at all by it because if it was a common thief they would have taken other stuff. Instead it was probably a homeless person who needed the money.

It just made for a baffling morning.

A Divided Mind

I'm nuts. I've known for a long time that I have pretty drastic mood swings, there's nothing new there. They've actually mellowed a little since adding Klonopin into the mix. They are usually driven by anxiety and Klonopin smooths that over. But this morning in the shower I started thinking through the past week, as I do, and realizing that it's not just my mood that changes, it's my personality.

I'm not saying I have Multiple Personality Disorder. I'm quite aware of the changes and there aren't individual identities. I don't experience blackout periods, instead I'm acutely aware of what's going on and kind of watch from the sidelines unable to say or do anything about it.

It frustrates people around me as well as myself. I will make drastic last minute changes to plans and then get upset when people don't go along with it. Day to day it almost feels like I'm a completely different person sometimes. I woke up this morning wanting something completely opposite of what I wanted yesterday or the day before. And then it goes back.

This sounds like I'm talking about a pair of shoes I might buy and then regret. It isn't that. It's fundamental beliefs about the world - my feelings on being alone, being in a relationship, monogamy vs non-monogamy, living in a loft vs living in a townhome, buying vs renting...everything. It's weird.

Moving Forward

Time to move on. I think this transitioning back to independence is putting my emotions all over the place. I've decided to put on my big girl panties and suck it up. I have very good friends out there that I have neglected over the past year because they weren't close by. I'm starting to seek them out and reconnect.

I'm starting to realize that people actually care for me more than I ever thought. That's a monumental realization for me. My entire life I've felt like I was only tolerated. I never felt like I completely fit in with any group - even my closest friends in Junior High and High School. I always felt a little bit like an outsider. I know now that it wasn't their alienation, but my own.

Well no more. I'm reaching out. I want to have friends, close friends to have parties with and take trips with. I have a very few close friends, but now I don't see why I couldn't have more. Granted, this happens slowly and over time, but the big change is that now I'm at least open to it whereas before I was scared of it.

So, I've planned 3 upcoming trips. Mid-April to visit friends in Austin and learn to quilt (yes, I'm that gay), Mid-March another reunion of friends like the one we had in August. The third is extremely exciting...the third is a trip with my parents (they're fun to hang out with) to Las Vegas to see Bette Midler. I'M SO EXCITED!!!

And there are more to come. Mark, Brian, and I have discussed Disneyland, Universal Studios, New Orleans...who knows. I know I'm also about to plan a trip to Seattle. I still have an unused ticket from last year. I have a cousin and a friend up there I'd love to visit.

So, things are looking up for 2008. My mood is improving (I love Klonopin) and in general I'm just getting a better, more normal grasp on life.

Rejection Junkie

I want to start by writing thank you to people who commented on and off the blog. It actually means a lot more coming from strangers sometimes. I find myself very very alone tonight. I've put myself in that position so only have myself to blame. My ex is gone to CA now which is sort of what I wanted. At least I have my own space. I didn't want him to go that far though.

My friends are extremely few. I don't like "acquaintances". I have plenty of those. I just don't have the energy for or interest in small talk. I know the sound of some of my posts are very morose and whiny. I apologize for that. I'm afraid I've put all of my eggs in one basket or maybe two. When those friends aren't available I feel lost and alone. I need to get over it, I know.

Lately I've become very disillusioned about the prospects of finding someone to love me the way I love him. The more gay couples I meet and get to know the more I believe that it is near impossible to have a monogamous relationship. At least the ones I know. They view sex as just sex. I don't. I can't, I've tried. I don't know that I believe monogamy is natural, but it's more a testament of your love for the person. If you can't be monogamous then you can't be with me. Period.

So tonight I feel alone. I don't want to go on the websites to meet anyone because every time I do I end up in a lot of pain. The more people I meet the more I lose faith in people in general, including myself.

Tonight all I've thought about is running away. I've been looking at flights to different places, but only realize I wouldn't enjoy doing things alone. Hell, I've thought about taking of to Europe to stay with some friends. I don't know - I guess this is just a bunch of rambling I need to get out of my head.

I am hurt every day by people I know and trust. I am relegated to second string, back up, or third/fifth wheel. I can't keep doing that. Nothing like being rejected on a daily basis to help build the self-esteem.

Dark Place

Last night I was in a very dark place. I'm sorry to have alarmed anyone. I'm still around. I'm not necessarily happy about it, but I am. I'm staying home from work today. I'm just not in the right frame of mind to be there. Stacie will be coming over around noon after she gets out of class. She'll help me take my mind off of things I hope. Right now I just want to curl into a ball and disappear, but I can't allow myself to do that. I have shit I want to get done. I may hate life right now, but I still have to endure it.

Very Alone

I'm writing here as my last resort to get shit out of my head. I have left voice mails for 3 of my best friends tonight needing to talk. Hell, upset enough that I was crying during a couple of the messages. No one called me back. It just reinforces my belief that I'm all alone. People say that they care and that they are here for me whenever I need them, but when things are their worst I can't seem to get anyone to call me back. I just want to hear a friendly fucking voice. Not a text message. That's not a connection, it's a brush-off.

I learned tonight that it's possible to lethally overdose on Benadryl. For my body weight I think it would be about 40 pills. Less if I were to drink some wine with it. The sad thing is that the one thing that is preventing it right now is Abby. I couldn't leave her to fend for herself. Everyone else would get over it. Apparently quicker than I previously thought. I know this is dripping wet with self-pity, but suicide is the most selfish act after all. I know all that, hell I've done suicide counseling before.

Nothing is easing any of the pain. After over 15 years I feel like nothing is going to. I'm too unbalanced in every aspect of my life. I can manage to get through most things and most days, but I'm tired of "getting through" the day. Historically I fall in love with people who cannot or will not reciprocate. I feel as though my expectations for a partner are unattainable, yet I can't settle for anything less. Hell, I'm not asking for anything more than I'm willing to give myself.

I have so much love to give someone. I just feel like there'll never be anyone to give it to. I'm so sick of people leaving me. I feel like no matter what I do people leave. I can't win. I don't want much. I want people in my life who are loyal, loving, giving, and faithful. You'd think I was asking for a miracle. Why is it that I'm able to offer those things? Why is it that I haven't met one person that could or would reciprocate. I'm resigning myself to a life alone. And that is the thought that put me onto the path I'm currently on. More than anything in my life, I don't want to be alone. And right now, I'm sitting here alone with no one returning a single fucking phone call. What's the fucking point anymore?