Epiphany

I know I have low self-esteem, I always have. I just didn't realize how low it was. I won't say how I came to this realization over the past couple of days, but just that I have. I have always put myself second to other people when it comes to carrying any burden - emotional, physical, whatever. I have always told myself that it was because I want to help. That's not true. It's because I'm afraid if I say "no" that people won't like me. That's sad.

I put up this image of not giving a shit what other people think when the opposite is true. I've spent my whole life trying to please everyone around me and it just isn't possible. I change plans, I rearrange my life just to prevent hurting someone I love or care about, when in reality if they're hurt because I have made plans that don't include them that has more to do with their self-esteem than mine. I seem to show love by sacrificing my wants and desires.

I can't say that just because I'm writing this that'll stop, but it's a start. I'm publicly acknowledging the fact. I'm not saying that I will stop helping people or at times putting others' needs ahead of my own, but it won't be 100% of the time. I will stop judging other people's love for me and mine for them by how much I put them before me. I have put off taking care of myself so many times when it was necessary and that took me to some really dark places.

I think what it took for this to occur was that someone I love dearly put me second and kept me there when I had always put them first. Instead of realizing and acknowledging it I continued to let it happen time and time again. I still love this person with all my heart, but I will no longer allow myself to be held back from doing what's best for me. I'm not saying that they are holding me back, it's me that's doing it. I've made that choice repeatedly and have so my whole life. No more. It'll be a hard adjustment to make and behavior to change, but I've realized that in order for me to be happy, I have to do what's going to make me happy.

Wow...that sounds so simple and actually makes sense. I don't know why it's taken me 32 years to see it. I'm learning to love myself first...not an easy thing to do for someone so full of self-loathing, but something worth shooting for.

(Ok, so what does the frog have to do with everything? First and foremost it's Earth Day, but it's also just completely random.)