I'm baaaaaaack...

Thank you for being patient with me. I'm just trying to work out a bunch of personal shit and I've just been worn out lately. I've been thinking a lot about this blog: the reasons I started it, what it's become, and where I want it to go. I realize that this is just a very surface level account of my daily activities. Not all entries have been surface level, but it seems that most are. It isn't what I intended, but I'm a chicken shit.

I have been told on more than one occasion recently that I am emotionally unavailable which is why I am usually drawn to unavailable men - usually straight or far, far away. I've discussed this with the shrink quite a bit lately and he tends to agree. I was discussing it with Stacie this weekend and she agreed, "well, you are pretty unavailable." Hmmmm...

How do I change that? I don't know, but I've decided to start here with this blog. Initially when I started I thought I'd write stories about different events from my past with the occasional story from the present. It's the events from my past that I need to face and own up to, I've just been afraid, not only of facing them, but of doing so in such a public way.

My other concern was that the majority of stories worth writing about are filled with pain and I wasn't sure how tiresome that would become. There is a reason I spent 9 years of my life getting high on meth as often as I could. I was running from my life rather than accepting and moving beyond the pain. Although I'm clean now (2 1/2 years) I am still hiding from a lot more of my past than I realized.

Now that I don't do drugs I hide in different ways. If I don't get close to people two things will happen - 1) I don't have to reveal myself to anyone, forcing me to look within, and 2) I don't open myself up to further pain in the future. I realize that the logic is flawed. It doesn't change the fact that it's where my mind naturally goes.

I was also made aware recently that not everyone understands how the mind of someone in my state works. Most people understand being upset or blue for a bit, but few understand the level of depression I feel makes everyday difficult. One thing that I hope to get across is to help people understand why a smile, a pat on the back, and the words, "everything will get better" just doesn't help at all. I understand that people only want to help, but this isn't something that will go away with good intentions.

So there will be days when I throw in funny anecdotes and/or positive, happy stories. I'm not saying there aren't happy days, it's just not the majority. I'll understand if it just becomes too much of a downer. If it does, please let me know. If you suddenly feel the need, as a reader, for a happier, lighter story, please feel free to tell me either in a comment or email. I am going to put a lot of myself out there and I'm terrified to do it, so anytime anyone feels compelled to say something, please do. I look forward to reading comments and emails from anyone who takes the slightest interest in my life so far.