Sarah Silverman vs Jimmy Kimmel

OK, so if you've been living under a rock, let me catch you up...

Sarah Silverman and Jimmy Kimmel have been a couple for a few years now. She released a little music video she made with Matt Damon called "I'm F***ing Matt Damon".



Now he's responded with his own music video, "I'm F***ing Ben Affleck". However, he has some rather large names in his video: Brad Pitt, Harrison Ford, Robin Williams, Cameron Diaz, even Josh Groban to name a few.




My head hurts I was laughing so hard. I hope everyone else enjoys it as much as I did!

Doing Better and More Weight Loss

I woke up in a somewhat better mood today. I think the excitement of going to Las Vegas tomorrow is overriding the depression and exhaustion that's set in. Tomorrow I'm leaving town with my parents to Vegas. Friday we will see "O" which I've always wanted to see. Then Saturday night we will be seeing Bette Midler's new show. I might pee a little.

So, today will be a busy one wrapping up loose ends since I won't be at work tomorrow - and there are a lot of loose ends. Tonight I'm looking forward to dinner and just hanging out with Stacie. It's been awhile since she has school going on, but this is the last year...for now. I can't wait to have her back.

Other than that, nothing exciting....OHHHHHH....except that I decided to step on the scale this morning out of curiosity. I'm down 20 pounds!!! Woohoo!!! I'm now at 200. 10-15 pounds to go and I'll be happy.

*SIGH*

Overwhelming depression today. I was at work by 7:15 (I don't have to be here until 9) and I don't know why. I mean, I do have a lot of work to get done that doesn't seem to happen during regular hours because of things that pop up throughout the day. But other than that I don't know what my problem is.

I have a lot of positive things in my life and believe me, I recognize that. But for some reason it doesn't change anything. There are all of these things I want/need to get done, but seem unable to do it. I'm fighting the urge to become reclusive and to hide. I don't want to do that again - I've been down that road before.

I think I have to just write it off as a side effect of Accutane. I know I've battled depression for about as long as I can remember, but I'm pretty well medicated for it and it really hasn't been too bad for awhile. This, on the other hand, is bad. I guess as long as I'm aware of it I'll be ok. But it doesn't change the fact that I just want to go fetal.

I will recap later, maybe...

I had a great trip and loved every second of Disneyland. In fact, I didn't want to leave that night, and I wanted to go back the next day, but we had other stuff to do around San Diego. This is a short post because I'm playing catch-up at work. Not to mention, I'm in kind of a dark place right now. Doesn't make sense after such an amazing trip, but there are reasons. I'll write a better post later.

Off to San Diego!!!

San Diego here we come!!! Mark, Brad, and I fly out tomorrow to meet Brian in SD for the weekend. Saturday we're going to Disneyland, Sunday we're either hitting the streets of SD or heading back to Anaheim for more fun.

We'll play it all by ear, but nontheless we'll be in CA!!! We will be getting back on Monday afternoon, so it'll definitely be a long weekend, but one I'm looking forward to!

Will be back Monday evening with pictures and maybe a story or two.

Happy Birthday Troy!!

Thank you Gary for the photo. Mark and I wanted to take Troy (middle) to dinner for his birthday. We went to Howard Wang's for great Chinese. Troy's birthday (I'll spare announcing his age) is Friday.

Troy is one of the most amazing people I know. I met him 14 years ago, which seems impossible. There were periods in there where we didn't really have much, if any contact, but every time I would run into him it was as if no time had passed. We were both going through our own battles with addiction which seemed to cross paths occasionally, but he was always there when I most needed him.

When Shayne found out he was HIV+ Troy was the first person at the hospital and the first person to come to the house and help out because Shayne was so sick. If nothing else, he provided some relief for me. Then, later when Shayne died, I rode with him down to East Texas for the funeral.

I have a lot of admiration for Troy. After everything he's been through he's emerged a much stronger, positive force. I can only admire that. Anywho (sorry Gary), enough gushing about Troy. He's a wonderful person whom I love very much.

Happy Birthday!!

Barry Manilow in Concert!!!

I'm a dork, I admit it. I love Barry Manilow, and the man can put on a show! I'll admit, looking around the audience I was definitely the youngest in my section and it was probably the whitest crowd I've seen at a concert, but it was well worth going.

I'm really enjoying the older performers' concerts. They're just more relaxed on stage. Barry, Billy Joel, Tina Turner, Bette Midler, Cher - they all are so relaxed in their element. Not to mention they all have a great sense of humor, especially about their age. It just makes for a very enjoyable evening. Not that I don't enjoy shows like Christina Aguilera - amazing - but the older generation of performers just has an added level that only comes with age and experience.

Other than the woman talking behind us (always happens when Mark and I go to a concert, movie, etc), the evening was an unforgettable one. It just made me want to see him perform in Vegas.

I think my favorite part of the evening was when he sang "Mandy." It started with video of him on The Midnight Express in 1975 (the year I was born) performing the song for the first time on television. About halfway through he is raised from below the stage sitting at a white piano and continues the song live. Then, toward the end, he does a duet with his 1975 self. I know it's been done before, but it's still amazing to watch.

Anywho...a wonderful evening that I really thing anyone would've enjoyed. How can you listen to Barry Manilow and not smile? If you can do that, then you just aren't human.

And the winner is...

Ok, I rock, but here's why. I took a gamble after much reading and waffling to get a Blue-Ray player. There has been a five-year battle over Blue-Ray vs. HD-DVD. Nobody has really had any insight as to who would win or as to how long the battle would last. Well today it was announced that Blue-Ray has won!

I'm a genius...anywho...

Tonight Mark and I are going to see Barry Manilow. I know, it's cheesy, but I love the guy. Can't help it.

Honestly, right now I'm sitting at my desk really trying not to work. I've been here since 7:30 (I don't have to be here until 9) and I have pretty much worked straight through. We don't take much of a lunch - they're usually working lunches. My brain is worn out. So, I thought I'd blab about my genius a bit on here in the hope that I'll be able to take a break from the mundane.

Now back to the filing I've put off for a couple of weeks. That shit piles up really fast if you're not careful!

Reconnecting

I didn't get my cleaning done that I was supposed to this weekend. I preferred sleep. Saturday evening I went with Mark and Brian to see Troy perform as Kristina Kross at a Bingo game. Kristina rarely comes out these days. She was the first drag queen I ever saw perform live. Troy and I have been friends for many years now and it was great to see Kristina again.

Sunday I went up to Denton and spent time with Darcy, a friend from High School. She had a kid 20 months ago and I probably hadn't seen her for a few months before that. It was great to reconnect with her. I also got great news that a good friend of mine that I lost touch with was back in Denton from Miami. Darcy ran into him the other day and one of the first questions out of his mouth was "Do you still talk to Steven?"

That just puts a smile on my face every time I think about it. He was always very special to me and I've missed him a lot. Hopefully we'll reconnect soon and catch up on the past few years. Now that I think about it I haven't seen him since Shayne died and that was over 4 1/2 years ago.

It feels great to reconnect with people I haven't talked to in so long - Troy, Darcy, and hopefully soon, David. These are all people that are very grounding for me and very near and dear to me which just makes it worse that I haven't kept up with them over the years. Hopefully that's behind us now and we can all stay in touch.

More "Spring" Cleaning

Well, this is the last free weekend before some trips, so I have to finish what I started last weekend. I'm completely rearranging the place, deep cleaning, and throwing stuff away. I'm trying to figure out how and where my grandma's antiques are going to fit as well as where to set up a work area for office/art stuff.

The front part of my loft is full of art/office/junk piles that need to be sorted and organized. I still have kitchen stuff in boxes from the move because I don't have much storage - something else I need to look at this weekend. Basically, I want the place finished, more or less before I'm gone for the next couple of weekends.

I am also trying to find a way to donate a couch, 50's diner table, and a few other large items so I can get a smaller storage unit, or get rid of it altogether. I'm really trying to be stingy with the money lately. I have avoided shopping online and checking out sales at Kenneth Cole and such. And if you know me at all you know how difficult this has been. I'm just determined to get my finances in order this year.

Anywho, not much of a post, I know. Just babbling away...

Accutane is working...

So, I went in for my first month check-up after starting Accutane. My dermatologist was very pleased. He says I have improved about 60% in one month! I've had very few side effects - the dry skin and chapped lips are the worst of it. If I weren't seeing a shrink there would be a few more problems with the depression. There is definitely a noticeable change, but the benefits are greatly outweighing the negative right now.

He even said my pores on my face look better - and I didn't even know that was an issue. He switched me to a different generic version to see if that helps cut back on some of the side effects I've had. All of the bloodwork came back normal too. With all of the medications I'm on it amazes me that my numbers look so good. In fact, he said I was "the picture of health" according to my bloodwork. Weird.

17 pounds and counting!!!

I don't know that I've even mentioned that I was working on losing weight again. When my ex was living with me I'd gained back 30 pounds - obviously a stress eater. I was having a hard time fitting into any of my clothes and I refused to buy bigger clothes again. That was a promise I had made to myself when I threw them all out.

So, about a month ago I decided to go back to the one and only thing that has ever worked for me - Weight Watchers. I don't go to meetings or anything, I just count points and watch my portions. I've combined that with Slim-Fast and it seems to be working. I had to remind myself early on that this had been a long, slow process before, but that I had been able to lose 60 pounds before. This time I just had half of that to lose.

Once I get into the right mind-set, which takes me a couple of weeks, I don't want anything else. I do a reward meal or two during the week, but still don't give myself license to completely pig out. That's what has hurt in the past.

I'm not big on rules or on other people telling me what to do, so I've developed my own way of counting and portion control and in the month or so I've been doing this I've lost 17 pounds! My goal weight is around 190. I'm just over 200 now. It took me a long time to relax and accept 190 as a good goal weight, but the truth of the matter is, I like a little softness - guess that's why I'm part of the bear community. I just don't want to be flowing over my waistband. Love handles drive me crazy and I've had them my entire life.

When I was battling with a bout of anorexia at one point in my life, my love handles were a major motivation. I was 19 years old and I weighed about 150 with 135 being my goal. It wasn't until someone said they thought I had AIDS that I realized I must not look the same to people around me as I do in my head. When I diet I still have to watch listening to that little voice that says, "You've made it this far, let's see how much weight you can lose." It's hard to silence that little bastard once the weight loss really gets going.

So, now I'm babbling...the point is I've lost 17 pounds and don't feel like I'm missing out on anything in my life as far as eating and/or socializing. It's great! I actually have more energy to do things that I need to do like organizing the loft. (Not that I'm very energetic - still on plenty of anti-anxiety medication that keeps that in check.)

OK, seriously...I'm done babbling...17 pounds!

In her honor...

Tomorrow, Feb 9, would have been Grandma's 79th birthday. Her absolute favorite thing to eat and coincidentally the last meal she had was Gumbo. So, tomorrow my mom and I (and whoever else wants to join) are going to eat a big bowl of Gumbo in her honor.

I just wish she was there to enjoy it with us. This has been so difficult, but luckily I've had tons of work to distract me. I worry about my mom. All she did for the past two months was take care of Grandma. Everyday she was at the hospital. Before that she was her primary caretaker whenever she was ill, going back to when she was first diagnosed with Cancer in 1994.

My mom was the one to drive her to MD Anderson in Houston after picking her up in Wichita Falls or in Gorum (depending on where she was living at the time.) She was the one to go to Wichita Falls to clean out 40 years worth of stuff and move Grandma to Gorum. Grandma was a very central part of her life and now that she's gone, I worry about her.

I only know the pain and hurt that I'm dealing with. I can't imagine what she is going through right now. Thankfully, I don't know what it's like to lose a parent and hopefully I won't find out for a long time. Just thinking about losing either one of my parents just hurts inside. I can't think about it for long without crying. So, I can't imagine what she's going through and feel like I can't even empathize with her.

I feel helpless.

An example of Dogkin

So, as an example of dogkin, I thought I'd share a little story we heard this week that just so happens to be true. While we were at the funeral home in Natchitoches, one of the funeral directors asked if we knew of a man named Washington Basco. It didn't ring a bell, but since that is a family name we said it was probable. Apparently Washington had bright orange hair, rode his horse everywhere, and carried pocketfuls of hunting knives.

Back in Gorum we asked Aunt Carmen, my great aunt and grandma's sister, what she knew about Washington. She laughed and said, "Oh yeah, he was a character." Apparently he is a great-great uncle and one of 22 human children. Did you catch that? Human children. His parents, my great-great grandparents, Napolean and Lizzie Basco had 22 children - and that's not the unbelievable part. Not only did she raise 22 children, she also suckled and raised two bear cubs.

Uh-huh, I know. Aunt Carmen swears it's true, and she's usually very reliable. A mother bear died and left two cubs behind. In order to help keep the bears alive and nourished, she suckled the cubs. Just one of many tales of my backwoods relatives, but it's where my roots are and as weird as they may be they're all a part of me.

I learned something new...

I have a new word I learned here in Gorum:

dog-kin: family that you don't want to claim.

I learned this word when we were discussing the house and what we should do about it being vacant with all of the valuables in it. We are keeping the house for now and don't want to empty it, but at the same time are a little concerned about vandalism.

The caretaker, Noble Lester, said that there shouldn't be much of a problem with everyone so close by, but that there might be some dog-kin that could try to take advantage of the situation. I love this term. I think it'll become part of my permanent vocabulary.

And speaking of dog-kin...I heard some interesting stories this week I'd never heard about. When I get home and am able to upload pictures, I'll share them. They're unbelievable, yet true.