Sacred Space

I came to the realization last night that I am extremely protective of my home. It's not because I own priceless objects d'art, but it's because I allow very few people that close to me. I'm a very private person in general and don't like other people in my space. It's not that I'm anti-social, I just like having my space.

Temporarily I've offered to let Matt (my ex) stay with me while he tries to figure out what he's doing with his life. Temporarily = a couple of months. I'm already usually on edge because of the fact that I'm never alone, but with him coming back into my daily life, the old emotions of frustration, annoyance, and guilt came back too.

Last night, after leaving Mark's place, Matt texted me, asking if I could grab him something to eat on the way home (I'd offered earlier). I walked in the door and to my surprise his "friend" Steve was over watching Basketball. I looked around and there were a couple of empty beer bottles, and empty juice bottle, and a couple of empty packages laying on the counter. The trash was full enough that the lid wouldn't close.

Instead of taking out the trash and throwing away all of the empties, Matt decided to sit on the couch with his friend and watch a game. I took Abby out, along with the trash, and sent Matt a text message to meet me outside. I wasn't about to have this conversation in front of someone else (etiquette). I told him that his friend had to go.

It's not so much that he had someone there as I didn't know about it. He sent me several text messages through the evening, not one mentioned Steve. When I get home I usually want peace and quiet to unwind - that has been difficult in general lately, but was impossible last night. There was a stranger in my house - someone I hadn't invited - sitting there, watching my tv (sports at that - I wanted to watch Will & Grace like I do every night about that time).

I felt uncomfortable in my own home. I told Matt that it's the one place I expect to always be able to be myself 100% and that I can't do that with him bringing strangers into my home. I spent the next hour just picking up the place. I couldn't stop to relax. I had to work through my anger and keep moving. Matt knew I was upset - how could he not - so I don't expect that it'll be happening again. Now I just have to help him find his own home...