I know I've written recently about this, but I've been reflecting on it a lot lately. It is bizarre to me that when I look in the mirror, the exact image I see is the same image I saw a year ago. Exact image. Here's the thing though - last year I had 50 more pounds on me, was wearing 38-40 waist pants, and wearing XL and XXL shirts.
Today I am in a comfortable 34 waist and wear L and a few XL shirts. I think some of it has to do with the fact that I quit working out a few months ago, and while I've only gained a few pounds back, everything loosened a bit. My biggest problem weight-wise is my spare tire. I've had it since birth it seems. It was actually going away a bit with working out, but as soon as I stopped it returned with a vengeance.
Mark is constantly rolling his eyes at me because I will try on 10 different shirts before settling on the one I feel I look the least hideous in. He is always telling me I look fine - good in fact. Matt (my ex and current roomie) does too. However when I look in the mirror all I see is the spare tire. Mark tells me it's twice as big in my head than it actually is. As nice as it is to have him reassure me, it doesn't change the fact that it's all I can focus on.
It is beyond me how I had 50 pounds on top of what I am now. I have become so self conscious of my weight again. That had subsided quite a bit for the first time in my life when I was working out. The common denominator that caused all of my issues to reappear and come back worse is not working out.
As much as I hate to do it, I know it worked. And the plan I was on was 30 minutes a day. It was a pain in the ass to get up there, but I've decided I can't backslide anymore. And I can't continue to feel this way about myself - especially after having a taste of what it's like to feel good about myself physically. I have bought new clothes recently, but have refused to buy anything bigger than a Large. I know from my past that that's the first step to gaining the weight back and giving up completely. I can't give up again. I won't go back.
Today was the first time in awhile I followed the Weight Watchers point system pretty strictly. It worked so well before and I know I can do it again. Amazingly after the first day I feel better. I had a tad more energy because I wasn't weighed down by heavy foods. Tomorrow, it's back to the gym. I am going straight to Mark's from work so we can go workout without my going home. That's what catches me. So, for about a week or two that's probably what I'll have to do until I can build up some discipline.
So, I'm sure there will be regular updates. I almost fell into the old traps and regressed, but I watched for the signs. Even though I ignored them for a bit, I've finally come to the realization that I have to just get up off my ass and do it. Inaction breeds inaction. I can and will do this - I've done it before. I just need to refocus.
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You have to be comfortable with yourself. No matter how much any one says that you look fine, albeit very nice of them to say, it doesn't matter if you don't feel it. At the same time make sure you are not feeling down on yourself based on society's/the community's view on how they think you should look. You know as well as any of us that especially in the community there is a lot of presure to fit in. I for one think it is wrong. We as a community to even think about excluding someone based on appearance goes against all of or calls for equality and inclusion into the bigger picture. We of all groups should not be judging. I'm not saying anyone judged you but know that sometimes we feel like people might be doing just that. Anyway, good luck with your plans and I'm sure Mark will be very helpful as it's always good to have someone to work out with, motivationally speaking. And for what it's worth, I too think you look just fine.
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