Shayne

Shayne has been on my mind a lot lately. In September, we will hit the 4 year mark since he died of a drug overdose/asphyxiation. His death was, at best, questionable - not that he died, but how. I never asked his mom about the official cause of death according to the medical examiner, but that's because I don't want to concentrate on that. Shayne, like most, was much more than the way he died.

I met Shayne in Spring 1993 while I was a Junior in High School. I will never forget the first time I saw him - in cut-off shorts, Doc Martin boots, and a very open weave lightweight pullover. He took my breath away - he had a beautiful smile, beautiful eyes, and the best backwoods East Texas accent. I was captivated by everything he said and couldn't take my eyes off of him.

We became friends and I found myself making frequent visits. We "hooked up" a few times and had a great time, but I was still in High School and he was 22. I was way too serious and he had way too much partying to do. It would be a few years before we could meet somewhere in the middle. When I was 20 and he was 25 we were both walking out of horribly bad, short-lived relationships and ran to each other.

He moved into my efficiency with me and my dog, Rogue. We spent the next three years together, two of which were very happy. The third year we discovered he was HIV+. After a long battle with chronic pneumonia, his mom came down from Arkansas and insisted on going to the hospital. The doctor came in and said, "well this is typical in AIDS-related pneumonia." WHAT?!?!?!? This was the first we'd heard - AIDS-related? Don't you have to be HIV+ for that? Turns out he was, and had full blown AIDS to boot.

It only confirmed the fact that he felt we had an open relationship and I felt we didn't. Amazingly enough, I remained negative. I put aside all of my feelings of betrayal, hurt, and anger and decided that I had to get him well. After all, I can't kill him if he dies first. I spent the next year nursing him back to full health - got him on a regular medication routine, got his counts down to undetectable, taught him how to take care of himself. Then, once he was healthy and on our 3rd anniversary I decided it was time for us to move on with our lives individually.

While we were no longer in a relationship, I never stopped loving him. We were friends before and remained friends after. I never hated Shayne for what he did during our relationship because that's who he was and I was naive enough to think that I could change that. He loved me too - I have no doubt about that, but he was not a fan of monogamy. We both moved on with our lives while still hanging out occasionally and talking regularly. Even after I moved to CA we still talked weekly.

Ten years after I met Shayne and first became intoxicated with his spirit and his vitality, I got the phone call that he had died. I went numb. Shayne was the type of person that was so full of life all the time, it was impossible to imagine him not moving, not breathing, not dancing (his passion). I will give him this, he always said that if he died while partying and having sex, he would die happy. Well, I guess he died happy. At least I hope he did.

The other day his mom called me like she does every few months or so. We talked for awhile and our conversation came around to the DVD I'm supposed to put together for her, made up of different videos I have of him. I've been promising it for years, but honestly haven't been able to bring myself to watch them again. (I still have the sweater he was wearing the first time I ever saw him). His death has been one of the hardest I've ever had to deal with. I've done a very good job of avoiding it until now.

I went to Mark and Brian's to transfer the tape to DVD. This particular one was one that a friend made for a project in school. She had to record a colorful personality and then later imitate them in class. Shayne sat in front of the camera while she interviewed him talking about his life and what it was like for an obviously gay kid to grow up in small-town East Texas. Watching that video again, after so many years, was very emotional. I got through it with only a few tears, but it opened something inside of me - an old wound that I thought I'd closed pretty well.

Now that I have it on DVD, I have to sit down and edit it for his mom. I just don't think I'm ready to sit alone doing that. The thought of watching that video all alone scares the living shit out of me, which is one reason I need to do it. I think I'll do it in stages. Tomorrow I'm staying home to work on chores. "Chore" is a good way to describe this project right now. I might as well add it to the list and start chipping away at it bit by bit. It's time I face these bottled up emotions and actually try to say good-bye to Shayne instead of holding out hope that he isn't really gone.

He is one of the great loves of my life - a man I will never forget. He was witty, funny, loved music, loved to dance, beautiful, and in many ways child-like. I wanted him in my life much longer than ten years, but I'm thankful for the time I got. I will never be the same for knowing him. I am reminded of him at least once a day. He is very much a part of my life to this day, which I'm realizing means I'm not wanting to let him go. And I don't. But I know that in order to live a more fulfilling life I need to give up some of the ghosts I'm hanging onto. Instead of hoping he didn't die, I need to put that energy toward remembering a full life lived and applying the lessons I learned from him to my life. That is the best way to ensure that he stays around and isn't forgotten.

Now on to that damn DVD...