Ready to Fight

Earlier tonight I felt like I came to the edge of an abyss where I could either jump off to never return, or I could get angry and fight my way back to myself. What I'm about to say is not to be dramatic or to try to get pity or anything of the sort, but only to show what where I came from tonight.

I had a meltdown tonight. I have gained 15 pounds back after losing 60 and none of my clothes fit very well anymore. I was so angry at myself. I lost my motivation to lose weight and workout. Rather than be proactive I became the victim of my own self-hatred again. I have fallen back into the trap I spent most of my life in. I began listening to the "shitty committee" that lives in my head.

I looked around my place and got upset at what has happened to my loft. It was well kept, though not necessarily decorated, until my ex "temporarily" moved back in to get on his feet again. It isn't my home anymore. I have completely lost my independence that was so important to the self-confidence I had gained. I feel like I'm back where I was before I broke up with him last year about this time.

I spent some time looking at my bottle of painkillers wondering if it was enough to go to sleep and not wake up. I got online and researched what an overdose of any/all of my meds would entail. None of the possibilities were pleasant and none would lead to death. While I was on another website reading about how to successfully overdose, I think Abby clued in on it. She had been in a dead sleep most of the evening, but she got up and came over and leaned on me. I started petting her and just broke into tears. She didn't leave my side.

I don't know what it was, but I snapped out of it. I looked around my place and got angry. I'm not playing the victim anymore. It's not healthy. I'm tired of letting people and things happen to me. I don't stand up for myself when it comes to people I love. I've become one of those people I used to feel sorry for and pity - I've become a passive role in my own life. Granted, it won't all change in one day. It can't. There are too many holes that have been dug, but I'm going to start climbing out of them one at a time.

I know I am a more deserving person. I've allowed too many people to walk on me and guilt me into living a life that is less than what it could be. It's time to eat right, exercise, and stand up for myself. I reached what some consider a breaking point, but I don't feel broken so much as recharged. I'd forgotten all of the things I learned about myself in the last year. I knew who I was for a brief period and then lost it again. But I'm back. I'm rediscovering myself. I'm angry and I'm ready for a fight.

Now, I'm off to reclaim my private space...