Some people need to vent and get things off their chest on a daily basis. Apparently I don't. It's not that nothing has happened to me, it's just that it's weird writing about things on a daily basis. The day to day world I live in (inside my head more than reality) is a place I don't want to think about - a place I don't want to analyze. It can be very hard to write when all I want to do is to forget. It's one reason I guess I've never been able to maintain a journal of any type.
But I know I have to soldier on. I know it helps to write about everything, to get it out in the open. It's just extremely hard for me to do. On one hand I feel like I'm whining and complaining which, believe it or not, I despise doing. It seems like I'm always bitching about the same shit over and over. The frustrating part is that while I recognize that fact, the emotions still seem very raw and real day to day.
I have a mean jealous streak that I have to keep watch over. It can feed into my already present rage that boils just under the surface. I feel as though I'm always on the verge of exploding in one way or another. It takes so much energy to keep those emotions in control that it's hard to relax and enjoy life. There are extremely few people I can truly relax around, and when I can't have that I tend to take it as a personal affront when in reality it usually has nothing to do with me. It seems as though I spend most of my time talking myself into being calm and not over reacting to every little thing that comes my way.
As much as I love them I don't even feel all that comfortable with family. It's nothing to do with them - it's all my issues, my self-esteem or lack thereof. Even those closest to me I feel only put up with me - that they are just as tired of my bitching as I am. What I forget is that they don't live in my head. The amount of bitching I think I'm doing is actual pretty minimal compared to what's actually going on in my mind.
I swear 90% of the time I feel like I'm losing my mind or that I'm just plain crazy. I have no reason to be dissatisfied with my life, but that doesn't seem to stop me. I still wish daily that I won't wake up. It's different from suicidal. Suicide implies an active role. I just wish I wouldn't wake up. The daily effort and strain would be over, yet I wouldn't have had to do anything myself to cause it. It's not even a death wish so much as a desire to cease to exist.
I'm tired. I've been tired most of my life and regardless of what is happening in my life I feel like I can't fully enjoy it. I'm only a partial soul. Something is missing and I don't really know what.
Damn - that's some depressing shit. Sometimes I just feel like a good game of Red Rover would be enough to take it all away for a bit.
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