Rejection Junkie

I want to start by writing thank you to people who commented on and off the blog. It actually means a lot more coming from strangers sometimes. I find myself very very alone tonight. I've put myself in that position so only have myself to blame. My ex is gone to CA now which is sort of what I wanted. At least I have my own space. I didn't want him to go that far though.

My friends are extremely few. I don't like "acquaintances". I have plenty of those. I just don't have the energy for or interest in small talk. I know the sound of some of my posts are very morose and whiny. I apologize for that. I'm afraid I've put all of my eggs in one basket or maybe two. When those friends aren't available I feel lost and alone. I need to get over it, I know.

Lately I've become very disillusioned about the prospects of finding someone to love me the way I love him. The more gay couples I meet and get to know the more I believe that it is near impossible to have a monogamous relationship. At least the ones I know. They view sex as just sex. I don't. I can't, I've tried. I don't know that I believe monogamy is natural, but it's more a testament of your love for the person. If you can't be monogamous then you can't be with me. Period.

So tonight I feel alone. I don't want to go on the websites to meet anyone because every time I do I end up in a lot of pain. The more people I meet the more I lose faith in people in general, including myself.

Tonight all I've thought about is running away. I've been looking at flights to different places, but only realize I wouldn't enjoy doing things alone. Hell, I've thought about taking of to Europe to stay with some friends. I don't know - I guess this is just a bunch of rambling I need to get out of my head.

I am hurt every day by people I know and trust. I am relegated to second string, back up, or third/fifth wheel. I can't keep doing that. Nothing like being rejected on a daily basis to help build the self-esteem.