Very Alone

I'm writing here as my last resort to get shit out of my head. I have left voice mails for 3 of my best friends tonight needing to talk. Hell, upset enough that I was crying during a couple of the messages. No one called me back. It just reinforces my belief that I'm all alone. People say that they care and that they are here for me whenever I need them, but when things are their worst I can't seem to get anyone to call me back. I just want to hear a friendly fucking voice. Not a text message. That's not a connection, it's a brush-off.

I learned tonight that it's possible to lethally overdose on Benadryl. For my body weight I think it would be about 40 pills. Less if I were to drink some wine with it. The sad thing is that the one thing that is preventing it right now is Abby. I couldn't leave her to fend for herself. Everyone else would get over it. Apparently quicker than I previously thought. I know this is dripping wet with self-pity, but suicide is the most selfish act after all. I know all that, hell I've done suicide counseling before.

Nothing is easing any of the pain. After over 15 years I feel like nothing is going to. I'm too unbalanced in every aspect of my life. I can manage to get through most things and most days, but I'm tired of "getting through" the day. Historically I fall in love with people who cannot or will not reciprocate. I feel as though my expectations for a partner are unattainable, yet I can't settle for anything less. Hell, I'm not asking for anything more than I'm willing to give myself.

I have so much love to give someone. I just feel like there'll never be anyone to give it to. I'm so sick of people leaving me. I feel like no matter what I do people leave. I can't win. I don't want much. I want people in my life who are loyal, loving, giving, and faithful. You'd think I was asking for a miracle. Why is it that I'm able to offer those things? Why is it that I haven't met one person that could or would reciprocate. I'm resigning myself to a life alone. And that is the thought that put me onto the path I'm currently on. More than anything in my life, I don't want to be alone. And right now, I'm sitting here alone with no one returning a single fucking phone call. What's the fucking point anymore?