Rage

I am screaming inside. I feel like I'm coming apart. My anger is blinding and overwhelming right now. The other day when I wrote about my best friend's murderer and where I stood on the death penalty, I feel I was a little misleading. I am not opposed to the death penalty for humanitarian reasons in cases that have been proven without a shadow of doubt. I believe it is too humane.

In the past when I would think of the things that were done to Cari over that period of a few hours, I would completely separate my emotions and kind of glaze over. I learned to do that in the courtroom when pictures and detailed descriptions were going around. When they opened the paper bag and pulled out one of her sandals covered in sand from the creek and her bra which was found tied around her wrists - I learned to separate those events from the person I loved so much. Not anymore.

I've spent the past 14 years in denial and am starting to face the anger - the all-encompassing rage that I feel for James Clark. I never wanted to face it because I was scared of it. Now that he is about to be executed it is all boiling to the surface. State execution is too good for him. I want him raped and tortured over a period of several hours. I want him to be terrorized - to know what it's like to know that you are going to die, but that death won't come. I want him to want death to come. What's more is that I want to be the one to terrorize him.

I am scared of this side of my being. It's very animalistic, very primal. I feel it at my core. The things I've imagined doing to that man over the past week are gory and inventive and I enjoy every minute of the fantasy. It doesn't nauseate me, it excites me, and that's what scares me. I have never felt this kind of rage toward another person before. I don't see him as human and would have no problem slowly tearing him apart.

I am angry that he is "getting off" with the execution. I know some people believe in that fairy tale called Hell, but I don't. I don't believe that he is going to suffer at all in payment for the suffering he caused not only to Cari, but to her family and friends all of these years. I want that man to suffer, and he's been spared that. He will have a much more peaceful death than he granted to my best friend and for that I will forever hate him.