Depression is a funny thing (kind of an ironic statement.) It comes on so unexpectedly sometimes and can leave just as unexpectedly. I have battled depression my entire life and two years ago was diagnosed with Major Depressive Disorder with a little Post Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD) thrown in for good measure.
I am on three different anti-depession medications that seem to keep things at bay for the most part - but they aren't cure. They help control the chemical imbalances, but I have to change the cognitive processes that are well-established. While it's an easier battle than it used to be, I have to fight depression on a daily basis.
Friday is a good example. I was in a pretty good mood and energetic throughout most of the day. Suddenly about 2:30pm, the bottom dropped out. I suddenly didn't want to move. I didn't care about finishing my work, about friends that called, or about anything really. I just wanted to curl into the fetal position and disappear.
I went straight from work to see Spider-Man 3 with Mark. Although we had a good time I was still pretty numb through most of the evening. Saturday morning I woke up refreshed. I took Mark to the airport, picked up Abby from boarding and went home.
I crashed - again. I suddenly didn't want to go anywhere or do anything. All I wanted to do was sleep and/or watch TV. So - that's what I did. I spent some time on and off chatting with Randy (Seattle guy) which was really the only bright spot in the day. I really wish I was able to go to Seattle this weekend. I ended up needing to get out of the house, so I called Matt and we went to see "Hot Fuzz."
After returning home I went to bed. This morning I didn't wake up refreshed or energized. I just woke up. I spent time chatting with Randy, watching TV, and sleeping. At about 6pm I decided I needed to go to the store to get out of the house. The depression continued.
At the store I was surrounded by happy little gay couples planning meals and parties together while I was searching the shelves for my single serving dinners. I realized that I have been a lot lonlier than I thought. I have met someone that I would love to plan dinners and parties with, but I've let fear, outside influences, and distance come between us.
I have probably said way too much, but I needed an outlet. My depression is a real battle and sometimes I just get tired of fighting it. I'm ready to start a life with someone. Buy a house, own pets, take vacations. Someone to love and someone who will love me as I am. It's a tall order, I know, but I'm holding out.
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1 comment:
I suffer from depression, too, so I know the feeling about wanting to curl up and disappear. My husband knows that when "the bottom falls out" that he should just let me crawl into bed and do my thing as it will pass. It's good to have a man that is supportive, I hope you find a good man who is as well. I found your blog by accident, and have enjoyed the read.
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