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So, I'm writing this a few hours earlier than normal while doing laundry in preparation for this weekend. Mark, Brian, and I are taking our dogs and heading to the ranch. This will be my first trip out there and I'm pretty excited. A couple of days away from everything sounds great! Abby has never been camping and she can hardly contain herself. For those of you who haven't had the pleasure of meeting her, here is a picture.
She is my 120 pound 10 month old puppy. She's got her toys packed and she's ready to go! Me on the other hand...I should have been home doing laundry and getting my shit together rather than my favorite pasttime - shopping. But alas, my addiction won out.
I had to go pick up my glasses from the mall today - yes I need glasses for computer work and reading. Seeeeeee????
After picking up my new glasses we decided to "run by" Kenneth Cole. If you've ever been shopping with me, you know that odds are against my leaving Kenneth Cole empty-handed. Even if I can't afford the $300 boots I want, I can pick up a wallet or something. So big surprise when we walked in I just happened across a pair of $125 jeans for $50. They were the last pair and they were just my size. Serendipity!! I found another pair that were just $90 and had this great stitching on the back pockets. Had to get em. It's weird how I can go into a store like that and suddenly that doesn't seem like a ridiculous price for jeans. But, when I'm shopping for Levi's I refuse to pay more than $30. Weird. Kenneth Cole has that effect on me. It's an obsession.
So, my little excursion to pick up my glasses led me to two pairs of jeans at Kenneth Cole. We had to walk through Macy's on the way back to the car, so of course I had to make sure I wasn't missing anything. I decided I needed some shorts for the weekend since all of mine are too big now. While picking out shorts, Mark pointed out a hoodie that happened to have my last initial sewn into the back on sale from $80 to $18. (We're good at pointing these things out to each other.) So, of course I had to buy it.
So here I sit, doing laundry, watching Will & Grace, writing in the blog, and getting ready for the weekend when I really just want to go to bed.
I never thought I'd be one of those people. You know the ones - all they can think about is working out and supplements. I have never worked out on a regular basis in my life. I've always hated exercise of any kind (I did PE by correspondence in high school), so I never understood the people who were obsessed over it. Now I'm starting to get it.
Last night I went to the store to get a few snacks to keep at work. I walked out with nothing in my cart but protein shakes, raisins and prunes (work snacks), and tuna. I carefully read the labels of everything I bought, only getting things that were beneficial to me in some way. No empty calories.
The most interesting part of it was that I realized about halfway through the store that I was excited about it. It was like I was on a hunt, because it seems that about 80% of the stuff in a grocery store is just crap. I didn't want crap, so I got to hunt. And it was fun. I found myself judging other people based on what they had in their carts. That's when it really hit me that I was becoming one of those people myself.
I look forward to my workout every day even though it kicks my ass. I carefully plan out what I'm going to eat and when. I look at myself in the mirror a lot noticing the slightest change in my build. I notice how my muscles feel throughout the day, how my body is getting a little harder everyday. Yep, it's official - hell has frozen over and pigs can fly. I never believed I could become this person, but here I am. If I can do this, than anyone can.
I am screaming inside. I feel like I'm coming apart. My anger is blinding and overwhelming right now. The other day when I wrote about my best friend's murderer and where I stood on the death penalty, I feel I was a little misleading. I am not opposed to the death penalty for humanitarian reasons in cases that have been proven without a shadow of doubt. I believe it is too humane.
In the past when I would think of the things that were done to Cari over that period of a few hours, I would completely separate my emotions and kind of glaze over. I learned to do that in the courtroom when pictures and detailed descriptions were going around. When they opened the paper bag and pulled out one of her sandals covered in sand from the creek and her bra which was found tied around her wrists - I learned to separate those events from the person I loved so much. Not anymore.
I've spent the past 14 years in denial and am starting to face the anger - the all-encompassing rage that I feel for James Clark. I never wanted to face it because I was scared of it. Now that he is about to be executed it is all boiling to the surface. State execution is too good for him. I want him raped and tortured over a period of several hours. I want him to be terrorized - to know what it's like to know that you are going to die, but that death won't come. I want him to want death to come. What's more is that I want to be the one to terrorize him.
I am scared of this side of my being. It's very animalistic, very primal. I feel it at my core. The things I've imagined doing to that man over the past week are gory and inventive and I enjoy every minute of the fantasy. It doesn't nauseate me, it excites me, and that's what scares me. I have never felt this kind of rage toward another person before. I don't see him as human and would have no problem slowly tearing him apart.
I am angry that he is "getting off" with the execution. I know some people believe in that fairy tale called Hell, but I don't. I don't believe that he is going to suffer at all in payment for the suffering he caused not only to Cari, but to her family and friends all of these years. I want that man to suffer, and he's been spared that. He will have a much more peaceful death than he granted to my best friend and for that I will forever hate him.
So last night was my 11th workout. It was time for a weigh in and update. When I started the program I weighed 198 and my body fat was about 25%. As of last night, my weight is 191 and my body fat is 21%. It's hard for me to believe that it would drop this much this fast, but I guess the program works. Last night was also time to up the weights a little in the first circuit. It was a killer. I could barely walk out of there, but at the same time it was great!
After the workout, Mark, Brian, and I went to the 10:30 feature of Zodiac. It was an amazing movie. Very intense, and very long. We didn't leave the theatre until 1:30! But I would highly recommend it. The story, the acting, the writing - all of it was great! It's rare these days for me to feel that way walking out of a movie. I actually want to see it again to look for a few clues that were probably in there early on.
14 years ago my best friend was raped and murdered. The two men who did it were captured pretty quickly. James Clark was convicted and sentenced to death, his accomplice, James Brown was sentenced to 20 years.
Clark was scheduled for execution twice and both times it was stopped because his lawyers pulled something new out of their ass. The last time was in 2004. The lawyers claimed that based on his test scores when he was younger and the fact that he spent some time in a mental institution he was mentally retarded. This happened shortly after it was decided that mentally retarded people can not be executed.
So, for the past couple of years we hadn't really heard much about it. It turns out that he was appealing to the US Supreme Court. That took some time, but Monday they decided to deny the appeal, Wednesday a district judge signed the death warrant. His execution is set for April 11.
Here is the full story from yesterday's paper written by the reporter who covered the murders 14 years ago.
So I left work early today to go check out the Trooper. I LOVED it!!! It's exactly what I wanted. So, I drove it off the lot. WooHooooo!!! Now I don't have to be embarassed when people want me to drive.
My inspection sticker on my 1994 Trooper expired last april. Last week I got a ticket for it. I can't believe I made it a year without being noticed! Anyway, I knew it needed some work done so I took it to a shop and had them run a full diagnostic. In order for it to pass inspection I need to have the front brakes replaced, something about valves, and something about the front axle (all I know about cars is how to drive). All told about $2500. That's what I paid for the thing to start with.
Even though it is 12 years old and has some issues, I absolutely LOVE my Trooper. So, I decided that it's all I want to drive. Now that it's time to get something "new", the search for a Trooper has begun. I found a 2001 in Irving that I'm going to go look at today. I gathered my title along with other necessary paperwork so that in the event that I love it, I'm prepared to buy it.
My only fear with all of this is the financing. I have shitty credit, so I know the interest is going to be ridiculous, but we'll see.
She is my 120 pound 10 month old puppy. She's got her toys packed and she's ready to go! Me on the other hand...I should have been home doing laundry and getting my shit together rather than my favorite pasttime - shopping. But alas, my addiction won out.
