Very Alone

I'm writing here as my last resort to get shit out of my head. I have left voice mails for 3 of my best friends tonight needing to talk. Hell, upset enough that I was crying during a couple of the messages. No one called me back. It just reinforces my belief that I'm all alone. People say that they care and that they are here for me whenever I need them, but when things are their worst I can't seem to get anyone to call me back. I just want to hear a friendly fucking voice. Not a text message. That's not a connection, it's a brush-off.

I learned tonight that it's possible to lethally overdose on Benadryl. For my body weight I think it would be about 40 pills. Less if I were to drink some wine with it. The sad thing is that the one thing that is preventing it right now is Abby. I couldn't leave her to fend for herself. Everyone else would get over it. Apparently quicker than I previously thought. I know this is dripping wet with self-pity, but suicide is the most selfish act after all. I know all that, hell I've done suicide counseling before.

Nothing is easing any of the pain. After over 15 years I feel like nothing is going to. I'm too unbalanced in every aspect of my life. I can manage to get through most things and most days, but I'm tired of "getting through" the day. Historically I fall in love with people who cannot or will not reciprocate. I feel as though my expectations for a partner are unattainable, yet I can't settle for anything less. Hell, I'm not asking for anything more than I'm willing to give myself.

I have so much love to give someone. I just feel like there'll never be anyone to give it to. I'm so sick of people leaving me. I feel like no matter what I do people leave. I can't win. I don't want much. I want people in my life who are loyal, loving, giving, and faithful. You'd think I was asking for a miracle. Why is it that I'm able to offer those things? Why is it that I haven't met one person that could or would reciprocate. I'm resigning myself to a life alone. And that is the thought that put me onto the path I'm currently on. More than anything in my life, I don't want to be alone. And right now, I'm sitting here alone with no one returning a single fucking phone call. What's the fucking point anymore?

Showroom Pics

I've spent the past few months working on new designs for our showroom floors. There are about 5 more that need to be installed, but here are the majority. It is so satisfying to see your drawings come to life! There are also some pictures of display walls that have been rearranged in preparation of our annual street party that happened last weekend. Let me know what you think!

Showroom Pics

Let's try this again...

I've been a bad blogger, I know. No excuses, I just haven't felt like writing. It's really par for the course. I usually start something all gung-ho and then just drop it after awhile. I lose interest. I started feeling like all of my entries were complaining and moping. I knew I didn't want to read it, much less write it, and I figured no one else would want to read it either.

So, I've missed writing about a few things such as Halloween, Fall Fur Fest, etc. I'll have to get pictures uploaded because they were both great times. In the meantime, Mark has most of the same pictures already posted.

Big News though! I'm about 95% sure I'm buying this trailer for the Ranch. It's about time I have a little place of my own out there.

Wow! Didn't realize I hadn't written anything in a week. Ooops...

Things have been hectic with preparations for Halloween. There's a group of us going as Beauty Queens, but not just any beauty queens. I'm going as Miss Conceive - I'll be pregnant. We have Miss Treated (abused), Miss Guided (blind w/ guide dog), etc etc. The one I wanted to do so bad, but decided it was just a little too tacky is Miss Carriage. I don't wanna piss off any lesbians at the Ranch.

On the other fronts: My ex is actively looking for a place to stay. He has until the end of the month. Construction at work is almost complete. We just have a few finishing touches to do and we'll be finished! This 2 week project has become an 8 week project - pretty typical. But we're almost prepared for our street party on Nov 2.

For those in the area, consider this an invite. All of the Dragon St showrooms will be open the night of Nov 2 from 6-9pm for drinks and food. It is sponsored by Lexus and Dallas Modern Luxury. The event is called "Design on Dragon Sip and Stroll". Feel free to come by for some wine and a nosh.

More Self-Improvement

Well, I'm one step closer to taking Accutane. I went in for my follow-up dermatology appointment and he wasn't too happy with what he saw. My back has broken out quite a bit and it's really upsetting. I asked him if there was something we could do before jumping to Accutane. I'm going to take Bactrim for a month and see if we can get the breakout under control.

If I take the Accutane I won't be able to do the lipo for at least 12 months - something to think about for sure, but I believe the acne is a bigger issue for me. It's a major source of stress and depression because I'm not comfortable in my skin - literally and figuratively. I can at least do things to minimize the fat without costing an arm and a leg, not the case with acne. I think we have a winner...

On the fat front, I'm starting the "Carbohydrate Addict's Diet". Many years ago I followed this diet with great success. I thought I'd give it a shot again. It's amazing! I've completed my 2nd day on it and am surprised at how my cravings have already faded somewhat and how at dinner I was able to put down my fork with half of my food still on my plate. Alcohol too - I had 1 margarita and that took awhile to drink - usually I would have had 2 or 3 in the same time-frame.

I haven't really had any weight loss yet - a little early still, but I'm so impressed with the other results - increased energy, fewer cravings, less munchiness, and best of all - the mechanism in my brain that tells me I'm satisfied is actually working the way it's supposed to. It seems crazy that I've noticed such a difference in only 2 days, but it shows how strong the effects of carbohydrates really are. It really is an addiction, something I have a little more than a basic knowledge of overcoming.

Flaming Pope

At the two-year anniversary of Pope John Paul II's death, a bonfire seems to have acted as a portal to the ether. Believers say that the deceased pope has made an appearance. Read the full story.

LifeWalk and Annie Lennox

What a weekend! Sunday was a long day. Mark, Brian, and I went to the LifeWalk around 11 am. We met up with our Rainbow Ranch team and hung out at the park until the walk started around 1 pm. It was a beautiful day for a walk - sunny, but not too hot. By the end of the day we had raised about $15,000 in online donations for our team alone. That doesn't include all of the donations made offline. Our team will be in top 3 fundraisers - not bad for 7 people! Pictures.

After the walk our team decided to go to Buffalo Wild Wings for the worst service ever. We ended up walking after about 30 minutes just waiting to get drinks. The manager and waitstaff didn't care that their service was horrible. This was our third and last visit. We went next door to a Salvadoran restaurant where we got impeccable service.

That night we headed out to see Annie Lennox. I find myself at a loss for words to describe it. She is indescribable in person. Granted I've been crazy about her for as long as I can remember. This was definitely one of the best concerts I've ever seen - not for effects or size, or any quantifiable description, but because it was so intimate. It was held at McFarlin Auditorium at SMU which seats only 2400 people.