Today I went to the State Fair with Mark, Brian, and Mama. I haven't been in probably 10 years, so a lot has changed. I'm exhausted, sore, very sunburned, but had a great time! We did the car show thing, wandered aimlessly, watched the bird show, checked out the butterfly exhibit, and ate too much.
Here's what I gorged on today: Corn Dog, Fried PB&J (half), Fried Cookie Dough (just a bite), Fried Beef Turnover, Tater Twisters (handful), BBQ Frito Pie (YUM), and just a taste of Fried Avocado. If you've never been to the Texas State Fair, they'll fry anything. In fact there's a competition every year for new fried treats. One of us would buy something and everyone else would try it. It gets a little nauseating after awhile. Thank god I have a Lipo consultation tomorrow.
The big coup of the day was conquering a fear of heights...sort of. I'm so terrified of heights. I get nervous everytime I step foot in an elevator. When we arrived we noticed there were gondolas going across the midway. Everyone knows that these are death traps, but I was determined to not let my fears get in the way today. I survived the gondola which actually didn't go too high. I felt like if we fell we wouldn't necessarily plummet to our deaths. Most of the trip was spent passing over awnings that spanned over tents. There was plenty to break our fall.
The bigger coup was riding the Texas Star. It is the largest Ferris Wheel in North America. As long as I didn't look down it wasn't too bad. That being said, I doubt I'll ever ride it again. Here are a few links to pics and video of today for those interested:
Pictures
Video of the Sky's the Limit gondola
Video of the Crazy Mouse rollercoaster
Video of the Texas Star
Just a sidenote - until watching these videos I'd forgotten what a freakin hick I am. My accent is just stronger than I realize sometimes. Enjoy!
Sunday, September 30, 2007
Thursday, September 27, 2007
I'm back...again
Well, I decided it was time to pop up again. A lot has happened since my last entry. Mark had a birthday, Dallas had Pride, construction started at work, my sister is gonna be on MTV, we had Labor Day at the ranch...Jesus - I haven't written in awhile. I don't know what happened. I lost interest in writing about my life. Hell, I lost interest in my life altogether. I'm not saying it's a lot better, but it is a little better.
I'm still not in the mood to write, but I have to get back into it. It was very therapeutic. I've just turned very inward the past month. It reminds me of what I was like before I ended my relationship at this time last year - and I don't like it. I really don't like that I let people have that much of an effect on my personality. But it's what I do. I invest a lot emotionally in every relationship - romantic or platonic. I give everything, which I realize is a mistake, but how do you stop that?
Anywhoodles...I just wanted to get an entry in. I am sitting here watching some season premieres. Tonight is Smallville, Grey's Anatomy, and Big Shots. I'm just glad there's new stuff on TV again - not that I need another excuse to sit my ass on the couch...
I'm still not in the mood to write, but I have to get back into it. It was very therapeutic. I've just turned very inward the past month. It reminds me of what I was like before I ended my relationship at this time last year - and I don't like it. I really don't like that I let people have that much of an effect on my personality. But it's what I do. I invest a lot emotionally in every relationship - romantic or platonic. I give everything, which I realize is a mistake, but how do you stop that?
Anywhoodles...I just wanted to get an entry in. I am sitting here watching some season premieres. Tonight is Smallville, Grey's Anatomy, and Big Shots. I'm just glad there's new stuff on TV again - not that I need another excuse to sit my ass on the couch...
Thursday, September 13, 2007
Ready to Fight
Earlier tonight I felt like I came to the edge of an abyss where I could either jump off to never return, or I could get angry and fight my way back to myself. What I'm about to say is not to be dramatic or to try to get pity or anything of the sort, but only to show what where I came from tonight.
I had a meltdown tonight. I have gained 15 pounds back after losing 60 and none of my clothes fit very well anymore. I was so angry at myself. I lost my motivation to lose weight and workout. Rather than be proactive I became the victim of my own self-hatred again. I have fallen back into the trap I spent most of my life in. I began listening to the "shitty committee" that lives in my head.
I looked around my place and got upset at what has happened to my loft. It was well kept, though not necessarily decorated, until my ex "temporarily" moved back in to get on his feet again. It isn't my home anymore. I have completely lost my independence that was so important to the self-confidence I had gained. I feel like I'm back where I was before I broke up with him last year about this time.
I spent some time looking at my bottle of painkillers wondering if it was enough to go to sleep and not wake up. I got online and researched what an overdose of any/all of my meds would entail. None of the possibilities were pleasant and none would lead to death. While I was on another website reading about how to successfully overdose, I think Abby clued in on it. She had been in a dead sleep most of the evening, but she got up and came over and leaned on me. I started petting her and just broke into tears. She didn't leave my side.
I don't know what it was, but I snapped out of it. I looked around my place and got angry. I'm not playing the victim anymore. It's not healthy. I'm tired of letting people and things happen to me. I don't stand up for myself when it comes to people I love. I've become one of those people I used to feel sorry for and pity - I've become a passive role in my own life. Granted, it won't all change in one day. It can't. There are too many holes that have been dug, but I'm going to start climbing out of them one at a time.
I know I am a more deserving person. I've allowed too many people to walk on me and guilt me into living a life that is less than what it could be. It's time to eat right, exercise, and stand up for myself. I reached what some consider a breaking point, but I don't feel broken so much as recharged. I'd forgotten all of the things I learned about myself in the last year. I knew who I was for a brief period and then lost it again. But I'm back. I'm rediscovering myself. I'm angry and I'm ready for a fight.
Now, I'm off to reclaim my private space...
I had a meltdown tonight. I have gained 15 pounds back after losing 60 and none of my clothes fit very well anymore. I was so angry at myself. I lost my motivation to lose weight and workout. Rather than be proactive I became the victim of my own self-hatred again. I have fallen back into the trap I spent most of my life in. I began listening to the "shitty committee" that lives in my head.
I looked around my place and got upset at what has happened to my loft. It was well kept, though not necessarily decorated, until my ex "temporarily" moved back in to get on his feet again. It isn't my home anymore. I have completely lost my independence that was so important to the self-confidence I had gained. I feel like I'm back where I was before I broke up with him last year about this time.
I spent some time looking at my bottle of painkillers wondering if it was enough to go to sleep and not wake up. I got online and researched what an overdose of any/all of my meds would entail. None of the possibilities were pleasant and none would lead to death. While I was on another website reading about how to successfully overdose, I think Abby clued in on it. She had been in a dead sleep most of the evening, but she got up and came over and leaned on me. I started petting her and just broke into tears. She didn't leave my side.
I don't know what it was, but I snapped out of it. I looked around my place and got angry. I'm not playing the victim anymore. It's not healthy. I'm tired of letting people and things happen to me. I don't stand up for myself when it comes to people I love. I've become one of those people I used to feel sorry for and pity - I've become a passive role in my own life. Granted, it won't all change in one day. It can't. There are too many holes that have been dug, but I'm going to start climbing out of them one at a time.
I know I am a more deserving person. I've allowed too many people to walk on me and guilt me into living a life that is less than what it could be. It's time to eat right, exercise, and stand up for myself. I reached what some consider a breaking point, but I don't feel broken so much as recharged. I'd forgotten all of the things I learned about myself in the last year. I knew who I was for a brief period and then lost it again. But I'm back. I'm rediscovering myself. I'm angry and I'm ready for a fight.
Now, I'm off to reclaim my private space...
Wednesday, September 12, 2007
On the Soapbox with Mark
Yeah, I'm just as angry as Mark. My beef has to do more with the current AIDS pandemic. Believe it or not, whether it's touched your life or not, it is an increasing pandemic. Maybe in developed countries where we have medicines more readily available it isn't as noticeable. In developed countries it's more of an HIV epidemic rather than AIDS, but make no mistake - AIDS is still lurking.
The rate of infection is increasing at alarming rates. In America, over 300,000 (Center for Disease Control) people have died from AIDS since the beginning of the epidemic. But because of the newer drugs we don't see AIDS deaths as often. Because of this, people have become complacent. They don't understand what it is to live with AIDS or HIV for that matter. They think that if you get HIV you just take some pills and everything is fine and dandy. They don't understand what it is to live with HIV. Because they can't see the effects physically or as drastically as days gone by, they don't understand the consequences.
As weird as it may seem, I consider myself to be fortunate to have seen what AIDS can do face to face. It is something I will never forget. I don't see HIV as an infection to just live with. When I think of myself possibly being positive, I immediately get images of friends who've wasted away and died. I'm not saying that I think that of my many friends with HIV - not at all. It's just the image I apply to myself that helps me stay negative. Unfortunately, the statistics show more and more that kids who've grown up without seeing those images are becoming infected.
What's more appalling are the worldwide statistics. In 2006 alone, 2.9 million people died of AIDS. Since 1981, worldwide, over 25 million people have died of AIDS. For a little perspective, that's more than the population of Texas. So, AIDS is still very prevalent even though we are fortunate enough not to see it on a regular basis like we once did. But again, it seems that that is biting us on the ass now.
It's a Catch-22. We've improved the lives of HIV+ people through medications (in developed countries - seems we don't like to share too much.) The rate of infection and death slowed dramatically in the 1990's. Because of the improvement in drugs and the ability of people to live with HIV without contracting AIDS as commonly, there is a generation that has grown up without seeing what it can do. They are limited to pictures of people dying in third world countries. It doesn't affect them they way it would if they had friends and family wasting away.
I don't know what we can do about it. Education doesn't mean shit without examples they can see with their own eyes. Maybe it takes a new generation getting sick and and getting humiliated by protesters on the street to stand up and do something about it. I hope that isn't the case, but that's where the evidence is leading right now.
The rate of infection is increasing at alarming rates. In America, over 300,000 (Center for Disease Control) people have died from AIDS since the beginning of the epidemic. But because of the newer drugs we don't see AIDS deaths as often. Because of this, people have become complacent. They don't understand what it is to live with AIDS or HIV for that matter. They think that if you get HIV you just take some pills and everything is fine and dandy. They don't understand what it is to live with HIV. Because they can't see the effects physically or as drastically as days gone by, they don't understand the consequences.
As weird as it may seem, I consider myself to be fortunate to have seen what AIDS can do face to face. It is something I will never forget. I don't see HIV as an infection to just live with. When I think of myself possibly being positive, I immediately get images of friends who've wasted away and died. I'm not saying that I think that of my many friends with HIV - not at all. It's just the image I apply to myself that helps me stay negative. Unfortunately, the statistics show more and more that kids who've grown up without seeing those images are becoming infected.
What's more appalling are the worldwide statistics. In 2006 alone, 2.9 million people died of AIDS. Since 1981, worldwide, over 25 million people have died of AIDS. For a little perspective, that's more than the population of Texas. So, AIDS is still very prevalent even though we are fortunate enough not to see it on a regular basis like we once did. But again, it seems that that is biting us on the ass now.
It's a Catch-22. We've improved the lives of HIV+ people through medications (in developed countries - seems we don't like to share too much.) The rate of infection and death slowed dramatically in the 1990's. Because of the improvement in drugs and the ability of people to live with HIV without contracting AIDS as commonly, there is a generation that has grown up without seeing what it can do. They are limited to pictures of people dying in third world countries. It doesn't affect them they way it would if they had friends and family wasting away.
I don't know what we can do about it. Education doesn't mean shit without examples they can see with their own eyes. Maybe it takes a new generation getting sick and and getting humiliated by protesters on the street to stand up and do something about it. I hope that isn't the case, but that's where the evidence is leading right now.
Monday, September 10, 2007
Just a quick note...
Just a quick note before heading to bed. I don't really get much of a chance to write at work this week due to construction, so I try to fit it in when and where I can. We are remodeling the office area so the place is a wreck and we're short computers for a few days.
The trailer trip was a bust. I'd forgotten how old the trailer was. It's a 1975 Coachman with all original materials. It's kind of fun in a kitschy sort of way, but it isn't practical and would need a bit of work. It was worth a shot. When I get my bonus next month at work I'll look at buying something.
Tonight Mark and I went to see Halloween. Shit. It was great! I was tense through the whole thing. What I favored about it was that it showed the development of Michael Myers. It was a fun evening.
Shit - Blogger is about to go down for a bit. Gotta run...
The trailer trip was a bust. I'd forgotten how old the trailer was. It's a 1975 Coachman with all original materials. It's kind of fun in a kitschy sort of way, but it isn't practical and would need a bit of work. It was worth a shot. When I get my bonus next month at work I'll look at buying something.
Tonight Mark and I went to see Halloween. Shit. It was great! I was tense through the whole thing. What I favored about it was that it showed the development of Michael Myers. It was a fun evening.
Shit - Blogger is about to go down for a bit. Gotta run...
Friday, September 7, 2007
Enough of this depressing shit...
It just helps getting that shit out there. I feel much better after getting that stuff off my chest. It doesn't change any of the situations, but at least the emotions don't stay bottled up.
Tomorrow morning I'm going to my grandparents' house to check out their travel trailer. They've had it for about 20 years and haven't used it in years. I want one to take to the ranch. I'm going up with my dad to check it out and see how much work needs to be put into it. I really hope it's not in as bad of shape as they make it out to be. If it is, then I will return to my trailer hunt.
I'm just ready to have a permanent spot out there. I love being at the ranch so much. Last weekend while I was wandering around I realized that if I had my own place I'd be there at least twice a month - maybe more. It would be good for me to have a place to get away with Abby. Someplace quiet.
Tomorrow morning I'm going to my grandparents' house to check out their travel trailer. They've had it for about 20 years and haven't used it in years. I want one to take to the ranch. I'm going up with my dad to check it out and see how much work needs to be put into it. I really hope it's not in as bad of shape as they make it out to be. If it is, then I will return to my trailer hunt.
I'm just ready to have a permanent spot out there. I love being at the ranch so much. Last weekend while I was wandering around I realized that if I had my own place I'd be there at least twice a month - maybe more. It would be good for me to have a place to get away with Abby. Someplace quiet.
Thursday, September 6, 2007
The Proverbial Fork
So now that I've pinpointed the source of so much of my anger these days, what the hell am I supposed to do about it? It seems to be a lose-lose situation. Of course, I can't go into a single detail about it for different reasons, but it's a situation I can't remove myself from without losing myself even more than I already have.
Now that my anger is starting to show more and I'm directing it toward other people, I know that something has to change, but I don't know what and I don't know how. I'm afraid if I change my current situation I will become more angry and bitter at the world. On the other hand if I continue with it, the only foreseeable outcome is continued anger.
The problem is that it seems like the times I'm my happiest are the times that are also the source for so many raw emotions. I feel as though I'm at a fork in the road. The road goes right or left, but each option only holds pain. The choice I want to make is to go up, but I don't know how to do that. I'm just completely and totally lost.
So I guess all I can do right now is sit at the fork and be still and silent until the answer comes.
Now that my anger is starting to show more and I'm directing it toward other people, I know that something has to change, but I don't know what and I don't know how. I'm afraid if I change my current situation I will become more angry and bitter at the world. On the other hand if I continue with it, the only foreseeable outcome is continued anger.
The problem is that it seems like the times I'm my happiest are the times that are also the source for so many raw emotions. I feel as though I'm at a fork in the road. The road goes right or left, but each option only holds pain. The choice I want to make is to go up, but I don't know how to do that. I'm just completely and totally lost.
So I guess all I can do right now is sit at the fork and be still and silent until the answer comes.
Wednesday, September 5, 2007
This post was supposed to be something entirely different...
Some people need to vent and get things off their chest on a daily basis. Apparently I don't. It's not that nothing has happened to me, it's just that it's weird writing about things on a daily basis. The day to day world I live in (inside my head more than reality) is a place I don't want to think about - a place I don't want to analyze. It can be very hard to write when all I want to do is to forget. It's one reason I guess I've never been able to maintain a journal of any type.
But I know I have to soldier on. I know it helps to write about everything, to get it out in the open. It's just extremely hard for me to do. On one hand I feel like I'm whining and complaining which, believe it or not, I despise doing. It seems like I'm always bitching about the same shit over and over. The frustrating part is that while I recognize that fact, the emotions still seem very raw and real day to day.
I have a mean jealous streak that I have to keep watch over. It can feed into my already present rage that boils just under the surface. I feel as though I'm always on the verge of exploding in one way or another. It takes so much energy to keep those emotions in control that it's hard to relax and enjoy life. There are extremely few people I can truly relax around, and when I can't have that I tend to take it as a personal affront when in reality it usually has nothing to do with me. It seems as though I spend most of my time talking myself into being calm and not over reacting to every little thing that comes my way.
As much as I love them I don't even feel all that comfortable with family. It's nothing to do with them - it's all my issues, my self-esteem or lack thereof. Even those closest to me I feel only put up with me - that they are just as tired of my bitching as I am. What I forget is that they don't live in my head. The amount of bitching I think I'm doing is actual pretty minimal compared to what's actually going on in my mind.
I swear 90% of the time I feel like I'm losing my mind or that I'm just plain crazy. I have no reason to be dissatisfied with my life, but that doesn't seem to stop me. I still wish daily that I won't wake up. It's different from suicidal. Suicide implies an active role. I just wish I wouldn't wake up. The daily effort and strain would be over, yet I wouldn't have had to do anything myself to cause it. It's not even a death wish so much as a desire to cease to exist.
I'm tired. I've been tired most of my life and regardless of what is happening in my life I feel like I can't fully enjoy it. I'm only a partial soul. Something is missing and I don't really know what.
Damn - that's some depressing shit. Sometimes I just feel like a good game of Red Rover would be enough to take it all away for a bit.
But I know I have to soldier on. I know it helps to write about everything, to get it out in the open. It's just extremely hard for me to do. On one hand I feel like I'm whining and complaining which, believe it or not, I despise doing. It seems like I'm always bitching about the same shit over and over. The frustrating part is that while I recognize that fact, the emotions still seem very raw and real day to day.
I have a mean jealous streak that I have to keep watch over. It can feed into my already present rage that boils just under the surface. I feel as though I'm always on the verge of exploding in one way or another. It takes so much energy to keep those emotions in control that it's hard to relax and enjoy life. There are extremely few people I can truly relax around, and when I can't have that I tend to take it as a personal affront when in reality it usually has nothing to do with me. It seems as though I spend most of my time talking myself into being calm and not over reacting to every little thing that comes my way.
As much as I love them I don't even feel all that comfortable with family. It's nothing to do with them - it's all my issues, my self-esteem or lack thereof. Even those closest to me I feel only put up with me - that they are just as tired of my bitching as I am. What I forget is that they don't live in my head. The amount of bitching I think I'm doing is actual pretty minimal compared to what's actually going on in my mind.
I swear 90% of the time I feel like I'm losing my mind or that I'm just plain crazy. I have no reason to be dissatisfied with my life, but that doesn't seem to stop me. I still wish daily that I won't wake up. It's different from suicidal. Suicide implies an active role. I just wish I wouldn't wake up. The daily effort and strain would be over, yet I wouldn't have had to do anything myself to cause it. It's not even a death wish so much as a desire to cease to exist.
I'm tired. I've been tired most of my life and regardless of what is happening in my life I feel like I can't fully enjoy it. I'm only a partial soul. Something is missing and I don't really know what.
Damn - that's some depressing shit. Sometimes I just feel like a good game of Red Rover would be enough to take it all away for a bit.
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