OK, so here's the plan - since I'm having a really hard time getting motivated to go to the gym, we've decided to walk the Katy Trail for this first week just to get blood flowing. The Katy Trail is a bike, run, walk trail through the city. It's been an ongoing project for years now and yesterday was my first time to use it. I loved it!
Honestly, I'm perfectly happy just walking. I know it takes longer to get results, but I don't really care about being extremely built. The truth is if I didn't have the spare tire I'd be pretty happy with my body. So, I think I want to see where the walking thing takes me. If after a couple of months I don't see any change, then I might need to look at going back to the gym.
So, I realize that this is quite a different philosophy for me and like all of them it will probably change again soon enough.
Tuesday, July 31, 2007
Monday, July 30, 2007
A Neverending Battle
I know I've written recently about this, but I've been reflecting on it a lot lately. It is bizarre to me that when I look in the mirror, the exact image I see is the same image I saw a year ago. Exact image. Here's the thing though - last year I had 50 more pounds on me, was wearing 38-40 waist pants, and wearing XL and XXL shirts.
Today I am in a comfortable 34 waist and wear L and a few XL shirts. I think some of it has to do with the fact that I quit working out a few months ago, and while I've only gained a few pounds back, everything loosened a bit. My biggest problem weight-wise is my spare tire. I've had it since birth it seems. It was actually going away a bit with working out, but as soon as I stopped it returned with a vengeance.
Mark is constantly rolling his eyes at me because I will try on 10 different shirts before settling on the one I feel I look the least hideous in. He is always telling me I look fine - good in fact. Matt (my ex and current roomie) does too. However when I look in the mirror all I see is the spare tire. Mark tells me it's twice as big in my head than it actually is. As nice as it is to have him reassure me, it doesn't change the fact that it's all I can focus on.
It is beyond me how I had 50 pounds on top of what I am now. I have become so self conscious of my weight again. That had subsided quite a bit for the first time in my life when I was working out. The common denominator that caused all of my issues to reappear and come back worse is not working out.
As much as I hate to do it, I know it worked. And the plan I was on was 30 minutes a day. It was a pain in the ass to get up there, but I've decided I can't backslide anymore. And I can't continue to feel this way about myself - especially after having a taste of what it's like to feel good about myself physically. I have bought new clothes recently, but have refused to buy anything bigger than a Large. I know from my past that that's the first step to gaining the weight back and giving up completely. I can't give up again. I won't go back.
Today was the first time in awhile I followed the Weight Watchers point system pretty strictly. It worked so well before and I know I can do it again. Amazingly after the first day I feel better. I had a tad more energy because I wasn't weighed down by heavy foods. Tomorrow, it's back to the gym. I am going straight to Mark's from work so we can go workout without my going home. That's what catches me. So, for about a week or two that's probably what I'll have to do until I can build up some discipline.
So, I'm sure there will be regular updates. I almost fell into the old traps and regressed, but I watched for the signs. Even though I ignored them for a bit, I've finally come to the realization that I have to just get up off my ass and do it. Inaction breeds inaction. I can and will do this - I've done it before. I just need to refocus.
Today I am in a comfortable 34 waist and wear L and a few XL shirts. I think some of it has to do with the fact that I quit working out a few months ago, and while I've only gained a few pounds back, everything loosened a bit. My biggest problem weight-wise is my spare tire. I've had it since birth it seems. It was actually going away a bit with working out, but as soon as I stopped it returned with a vengeance.
Mark is constantly rolling his eyes at me because I will try on 10 different shirts before settling on the one I feel I look the least hideous in. He is always telling me I look fine - good in fact. Matt (my ex and current roomie) does too. However when I look in the mirror all I see is the spare tire. Mark tells me it's twice as big in my head than it actually is. As nice as it is to have him reassure me, it doesn't change the fact that it's all I can focus on.
It is beyond me how I had 50 pounds on top of what I am now. I have become so self conscious of my weight again. That had subsided quite a bit for the first time in my life when I was working out. The common denominator that caused all of my issues to reappear and come back worse is not working out.
As much as I hate to do it, I know it worked. And the plan I was on was 30 minutes a day. It was a pain in the ass to get up there, but I've decided I can't backslide anymore. And I can't continue to feel this way about myself - especially after having a taste of what it's like to feel good about myself physically. I have bought new clothes recently, but have refused to buy anything bigger than a Large. I know from my past that that's the first step to gaining the weight back and giving up completely. I can't give up again. I won't go back.
Today was the first time in awhile I followed the Weight Watchers point system pretty strictly. It worked so well before and I know I can do it again. Amazingly after the first day I feel better. I had a tad more energy because I wasn't weighed down by heavy foods. Tomorrow, it's back to the gym. I am going straight to Mark's from work so we can go workout without my going home. That's what catches me. So, for about a week or two that's probably what I'll have to do until I can build up some discipline.
So, I'm sure there will be regular updates. I almost fell into the old traps and regressed, but I watched for the signs. Even though I ignored them for a bit, I've finally come to the realization that I have to just get up off my ass and do it. Inaction breeds inaction. I can and will do this - I've done it before. I just need to refocus.
Friday, July 27, 2007
Too too funny...
If this doesn't make you laugh and give you a case of the giggles, you aren't human. I just had to share.
Thursday, July 26, 2007
My First Gay Mentor
Richard Skiles was my Junior High theater teacher and first gay mentor. He is the first person I remember feeling at complete peace with. I knew I could be who I was and all he would do is offer support and encouragement.
He would take a select few of us to movies at the Inwood Theatre - an arthouse theatre that plays mostly foreign and independent films. The first movie he ever took me to was Cyrano de Bergerac. It was my first foreign film with subtitles and I was enthralled. He opened my eyes to a whole other world out there.
At school I became his assistant. If I wasn't in another class, I found myself in his room - just hanging out, talking, sharing. When it was time to do plays, I was his Executive Director. He trusted me and spoke to me like an adult. He saw a lot of himself in me and I think it's why we clicked the way we did.
I can't express how comfortable I was around him. I wanted to spend every minute with him. I wasn't in love with him, but there was definitely a crush that I believe came about because of how much time I spent with him. He was the first gay man that I was that close to. It came as a shock to me the year I entered High School to find out that he was not returning to teaching because he was ill.
I had suspected AIDS, but at the time we'd never talked about it. We lost touch for about a year while I was acclimating to High School life. It wasn't until my Junior year when he came to see me in a play that I realized how serious it was. He walked with a cane and was very wobbly. I remember hugging him and realizing how frail he was - a shell of the man I remember from just a year before.
After seeing him at the play I decided it was time to reconnect. It was so nice to see him again. I began going by his house all the time. We would hang out for an hour or two at a time talking about everything - AIDS, theatre, his imminent death, life, etc. until he would tire and need to lie down. I learned more from him about accepting the hand you're dealt and dying with grace and dignity.
When my best friend, Cari, was killed I went to his house to talk. We spent a few hours together that day actually discussing his own funeral plans. He had a couple of very thick notebooks full of his plans. He had every minute planned out and he discussed it with such joy. As if he were looking forward to it. That was the last time I would see him.
The following week, on a Tuesday, I was preparing to go to an Amnesty International national meeting that just happened to be occurring in my town. I was invited to speak about Cari's life and death. She was the incoming President of our school chapter and had been scheduled to speak at the convention, so after her death they held a memorial of sorts. I was about to leave the house when I got the phone call that Richard had died the night before. I didn't go to the convention. In the span of two weeks I'd lost my best friend and my mentor, but it was his amazing outlook and attitude that helped me deal with his death. I was prepared for it, as much as one can be prepared.
In October I am walking in the Dallas LifeWalk in his memory. I am walking with Mark and the Rainbow Ranch team to raise money and to support my friends who are HIV+ or are affected by it. I hate asking for money - it goes against my nature. However, this is a cause that continues to affect me and so many of my friends. If you are able to give any kind of support, please visit my donation page or click on the link on the front page of my blog.
He would take a select few of us to movies at the Inwood Theatre - an arthouse theatre that plays mostly foreign and independent films. The first movie he ever took me to was Cyrano de Bergerac. It was my first foreign film with subtitles and I was enthralled. He opened my eyes to a whole other world out there.
At school I became his assistant. If I wasn't in another class, I found myself in his room - just hanging out, talking, sharing. When it was time to do plays, I was his Executive Director. He trusted me and spoke to me like an adult. He saw a lot of himself in me and I think it's why we clicked the way we did.
I can't express how comfortable I was around him. I wanted to spend every minute with him. I wasn't in love with him, but there was definitely a crush that I believe came about because of how much time I spent with him. He was the first gay man that I was that close to. It came as a shock to me the year I entered High School to find out that he was not returning to teaching because he was ill.
I had suspected AIDS, but at the time we'd never talked about it. We lost touch for about a year while I was acclimating to High School life. It wasn't until my Junior year when he came to see me in a play that I realized how serious it was. He walked with a cane and was very wobbly. I remember hugging him and realizing how frail he was - a shell of the man I remember from just a year before.
After seeing him at the play I decided it was time to reconnect. It was so nice to see him again. I began going by his house all the time. We would hang out for an hour or two at a time talking about everything - AIDS, theatre, his imminent death, life, etc. until he would tire and need to lie down. I learned more from him about accepting the hand you're dealt and dying with grace and dignity.
When my best friend, Cari, was killed I went to his house to talk. We spent a few hours together that day actually discussing his own funeral plans. He had a couple of very thick notebooks full of his plans. He had every minute planned out and he discussed it with such joy. As if he were looking forward to it. That was the last time I would see him.
The following week, on a Tuesday, I was preparing to go to an Amnesty International national meeting that just happened to be occurring in my town. I was invited to speak about Cari's life and death. She was the incoming President of our school chapter and had been scheduled to speak at the convention, so after her death they held a memorial of sorts. I was about to leave the house when I got the phone call that Richard had died the night before. I didn't go to the convention. In the span of two weeks I'd lost my best friend and my mentor, but it was his amazing outlook and attitude that helped me deal with his death. I was prepared for it, as much as one can be prepared.
In October I am walking in the Dallas LifeWalk in his memory. I am walking with Mark and the Rainbow Ranch team to raise money and to support my friends who are HIV+ or are affected by it. I hate asking for money - it goes against my nature. However, this is a cause that continues to affect me and so many of my friends. If you are able to give any kind of support, please visit my donation page or click on the link on the front page of my blog.
Wednesday, July 25, 2007
Explosions and Cancer
Well, first of all, thank you to everyone supportive messages and emails about the weight issues. It really means a lot. It's been a life-long battle and one that I'm sure will continue. But as time goes on I learn better ways of dealing and coping with it. (And yes - the Weight Watchers points system is the only diet plan that ever worked for me - I lost about 55 pounds over about 6 months - and even though I've been off of it officially for months now, I've only gained back about 5 pounds. It is definitely the way to go for me personally.)
Well, today at work was a little interesting. About a mile away from work was a gas plant explosion. We could hear little explosions constantly as tanks exploded and flew through the air. Here's a little video taken by a local photojournalist.
If that wasn't exciting enough...there's something I haven't written about at all in here, but is weighing heavily on my mind. Someone very close to me is dying from lung and brain cancer. Today the doctors did a CAT Scan and found 4 more tumors for a total of 7. One of them is wrapped around his right optic nerve. He also developed a Staph infection throughout his body that has now spread to the brain.
I have had many friends die from different things - even a couple from disease. This time is different. I've never had to watch someone I care about this much go through this. The only word I can use to describe it is "surreal." His body is giving out on him - abandoning him - and doing so in a very painful way. It is so bizarre to sit next to someone you love so much and to know that in a few months he'll probably be gone forever.
Tonight I hugged him and held him while we both cried. I really, honestly don't know how to handle this. I know I will because I always do, this is just different territory for me. I know it's so hard for him too after watching his mom go through the exact same thing about 6 years ago. Now he is in her exact same position. I can't imagine what that feels like for him. All I can do is support him and love him and make things as easy as possible. I'll take care of myself later.
Well, today at work was a little interesting. About a mile away from work was a gas plant explosion. We could hear little explosions constantly as tanks exploded and flew through the air. Here's a little video taken by a local photojournalist.
If that wasn't exciting enough...there's something I haven't written about at all in here, but is weighing heavily on my mind. Someone very close to me is dying from lung and brain cancer. Today the doctors did a CAT Scan and found 4 more tumors for a total of 7. One of them is wrapped around his right optic nerve. He also developed a Staph infection throughout his body that has now spread to the brain.
I have had many friends die from different things - even a couple from disease. This time is different. I've never had to watch someone I care about this much go through this. The only word I can use to describe it is "surreal." His body is giving out on him - abandoning him - and doing so in a very painful way. It is so bizarre to sit next to someone you love so much and to know that in a few months he'll probably be gone forever.
Tonight I hugged him and held him while we both cried. I really, honestly don't know how to handle this. I know I will because I always do, this is just different territory for me. I know it's so hard for him too after watching his mom go through the exact same thing about 6 years ago. Now he is in her exact same position. I can't imagine what that feels like for him. All I can do is support him and love him and make things as easy as possible. I'll take care of myself later.
Tuesday, July 24, 2007
100th Post and I'm Fat
Woohoo!!! This is my 100th post. It seems strange to have written 100 entries when in the past every time I've started something like this I end up with a few entries and then I quit. So, this is actually a pretty big deal for me. And speaking of "big" deals...
I have to get back to working out. My clothes have gotten tighter and I refuse to start buying bigger clothes. I have to force myself to lose weight again and get in shape. Sometimes I try to kid myself that I'm comfortable being soft when in fact I'm miserable.
It was only about 3 or 4 months ago that I was in the best shape I'd ever been in (which isn't saying a whole lot). Even though I really had to force myself to go workout, I did it. I was getting great results and was happier than I've been in a long time - especially with myself. I have hated my body for most, if not all, of my life. For the first time, that wasn't the case.
It's time to get strict again. Back to Weight Watchers point counting and Weight Watchers meals, and back to the workouts. As much as I hate doing all of that shit, I hate my clothes getting tighter and tighter even more.
I have to get back to working out. My clothes have gotten tighter and I refuse to start buying bigger clothes. I have to force myself to lose weight again and get in shape. Sometimes I try to kid myself that I'm comfortable being soft when in fact I'm miserable.
It was only about 3 or 4 months ago that I was in the best shape I'd ever been in (which isn't saying a whole lot). Even though I really had to force myself to go workout, I did it. I was getting great results and was happier than I've been in a long time - especially with myself. I have hated my body for most, if not all, of my life. For the first time, that wasn't the case.
It's time to get strict again. Back to Weight Watchers point counting and Weight Watchers meals, and back to the workouts. As much as I hate doing all of that shit, I hate my clothes getting tighter and tighter even more.
Monday, July 23, 2007
Weekend News
Friday I went with Mark and Brian to see Hairspray. It was a wonderful, fun musical that never lost my attention once. I never thought it would be better than the original, but it was. I wanted to stay and watch it again. The casting was great - John Travolta, Michelle Pfeiffer, and Christopher Walken were all great. There were a few fun cameos as well - John Waters: a flasher, Jerry Stiller: Hefty Hideaway owner, Ricki Lake: talent scout. I can't wait to go see it again!
Saturday, Mark, Brian, Terry, Mama, and I all went to Ft Worth to see the Ron Mueck exhibit at the FW Museum of Modern Art. He's an incredible sculptor whose pieces feel like they will come to life at any moment. What is so creepy about them is that they are super-realistic human sculptures that are larger or smaller in scale than an actual person. The artist doesn't have an official website, so here's a link to another blog with pics, videos, and detailed information. If you don't know who this guy is you should really check him out.
After the exhibit we all went to my parents' house to swim. They are both out of town and since we were going to be in the neighborhood, it sounded like a nice relaxing afternoon. And it was. After getting sufficiently burned, we headed back home where Mark and I cooked for everyone before going our separate ways.
Sunday was spent at Mark and Brian's all day working on the computer. I had to get some t-shirt designs finished for an upcoming reunion of sorts. Afterward we went to The Door for the Beer Bust. After about 10 beers and 3 jello shots we meandered home and everyone again went their separate ways. I got home and promptly passed out waking up this morning with a huge hangover. Now that I'm at work and the headache has subsided a bit, I really just want to go back to bed.
I think I'm gonna go drink a Red Bull and see if that helps any...
Saturday, Mark, Brian, Terry, Mama, and I all went to Ft Worth to see the Ron Mueck exhibit at the FW Museum of Modern Art. He's an incredible sculptor whose pieces feel like they will come to life at any moment. What is so creepy about them is that they are super-realistic human sculptures that are larger or smaller in scale than an actual person. The artist doesn't have an official website, so here's a link to another blog with pics, videos, and detailed information. If you don't know who this guy is you should really check him out.
After the exhibit we all went to my parents' house to swim. They are both out of town and since we were going to be in the neighborhood, it sounded like a nice relaxing afternoon. And it was. After getting sufficiently burned, we headed back home where Mark and I cooked for everyone before going our separate ways.
Sunday was spent at Mark and Brian's all day working on the computer. I had to get some t-shirt designs finished for an upcoming reunion of sorts. Afterward we went to The Door for the Beer Bust. After about 10 beers and 3 jello shots we meandered home and everyone again went their separate ways. I got home and promptly passed out waking up this morning with a huge hangover. Now that I'm at work and the headache has subsided a bit, I really just want to go back to bed.
I think I'm gonna go drink a Red Bull and see if that helps any...
Thursday, July 19, 2007
My First Meme
THE RULES
We have to post these rules before we give you the facts.
Players start with eight random facts/habits about themselves.
People who are tagged write their own blog about their eight things and post these rules.
At the end of your blog, you need to choose eight (I might just choose four) people to get tagged and list their names. Don’t forget to leave them a comment telling them they’re tagged, and to read your blog.
2. I used to be very musically inclined. In elementary school I was part of a handbell choir. We were the only school to have one and I loved it! I was also in the choir and played the Cello in the orchestra. In Junior High I continued with choir for a year, but found a new passion. I left orchestra to join the band where I played the Bassoon - still one of my favorite instruments. I gave it all up in high school for theater. I still love music and wish I still played the Bassoon. I really miss it.
3. I came out when I was 17, not necessarily by choice. My mom had listened in on a phone conversation and my dad flat out asked me when we were driving back from taking the SAT. My mom didn't come out of her room for 3 days. It turns out that my grandfather who died when I was 6 months old, was gay. She'd never dealt with that and was afraid that I was destined to be unhappy and addicted to pain killers. Well - she was right, but it wasn't because I'm gay.
4. I used to collect Wonder Woman memorabilia. I decorated my kitchen with all of it. I still have a few things - the collectibles that will be worth something someday. I still love Wonder Woman, but I no longer collect. In fact, I gave most of it away. I decided I didn't want to decorate with a comic book character motif anymore.
5. I wanted to join a monastery when I was 16. On a church trip one year we visited a Russian Orthodox monastery in South Texas. I fell in love with the simplicity of their lives. I wrote to them and discussed joining them for about a year. I eventually realized I was looking for a way to escape my house because my mom and I were not getting along at the time. My Christian beliefs were waning though, and I decided against joining. A few years ago the monastery was the focus of an investigation into child molestation leading to several arrests and convictions. I think I made the right decision.
6. I was raised in the Church of Christ. Although I questioned my beliefs a lot, I became a very gung-ho crusader for Christ. I was doing something at church almost everyday of the week. That all changed when I came out. After all of the years and energy I put into that church, they turned their backs on me. I walked out the door and never went back. It was the catalyst I needed to break away from that belief system and go on a search for one that worked. I practiced Wicca for several years, then as I got older, I decided that it was too restrictive. I studied about some other religions and realized that I didn't need or want religion. Although I'm somewhat spiritual and do have my beliefs, I don't believe in a deity which makes me an atheist. I'm a soft atheist though, because I do believe in the possibility of something out there. I believe there really is no way of knowing for sure until you die which makes me agnostic, so I don't worry about it.
7. The night I graduated High School I didn't attend any parties. I spent that night moving out on my own. I turned 18 the Fall of my senior year and wanted to move out of the house then. My parents made a deal with me to stay until I graduated. So after I walked off that stage I left the coliseum and moved into my first of many apartments.
8. I was anorexic. There was a point as an adult where I got down to 140 pounds - about 40 pounds less than my ideal weight. It wasn't until someone told me I looked like I had AIDS that I started eating and putting on weight. Unfortunately I went the opposite direction. I have battled weight my whole life. My first diet was when I was in 5th grade. I know now that it wasn't necessary, but I felt it was. In 5th grade I was concerned about my weight even though there was nothing to be concerned about. I have always had a distorted self image. It's something I still battle on a daily basis.
Who the hell am I going to tag? I'll have to think about it, but I've gotta jump in the shower and get to work right now.
Wednesday, July 18, 2007
Elderly Couple Losing Home...
This definitely falls under the WTF?!?! category.
James A. Lindsay II is a bastard. Who is this you ask? Until today I'd never heard of him either. While I was perusing Bravo TV's website I came across the story of an elderly couple in Louisiana who are under the threat of losing the home they've owned since 1963 because of a clerical error back in 1997.
Their home was sold by the Louisiana Tax Commission for non-payment of taxes. The catch? Their unpaid taxes totaled $1.63. That's right - One dollar and 63 cents. The postal service had changed everyone's addresses after putting in a 9-1-1 system, so the tax bill was returned because the address was no good. The house was sold out from underneath them without their knowledge or the knowledge that they even owed anything.
James A Lindsay II is the man who purchased the property. This man's heart is so miniscule, if it exists at all, that he has tied their property up in the courts for 10 years now. Nobody is occupying the home now which has fallen in disrepair. The couple doesn't qualify for aid because their title isn't free and clear right now. Everyone who has heard the case has overturned the purchase, yet he still pursues it. He is now planning on taking it to the state Supreme Court.
It makes me wonder what happened to him in his life to make him want to put an elderly couple out of the home they've owned free and clear for 40 years. He is a miserable excuse for a human being who has spent $20,000 in court costs in his pursuit.
What the FUCK?!?!?!?!
James A. Lindsay II is a bastard. Who is this you ask? Until today I'd never heard of him either. While I was perusing Bravo TV's website I came across the story of an elderly couple in Louisiana who are under the threat of losing the home they've owned since 1963 because of a clerical error back in 1997.
Their home was sold by the Louisiana Tax Commission for non-payment of taxes. The catch? Their unpaid taxes totaled $1.63. That's right - One dollar and 63 cents. The postal service had changed everyone's addresses after putting in a 9-1-1 system, so the tax bill was returned because the address was no good. The house was sold out from underneath them without their knowledge or the knowledge that they even owed anything.
James A Lindsay II is the man who purchased the property. This man's heart is so miniscule, if it exists at all, that he has tied their property up in the courts for 10 years now. Nobody is occupying the home now which has fallen in disrepair. The couple doesn't qualify for aid because their title isn't free and clear right now. Everyone who has heard the case has overturned the purchase, yet he still pursues it. He is now planning on taking it to the state Supreme Court.
It makes me wonder what happened to him in his life to make him want to put an elderly couple out of the home they've owned free and clear for 40 years. He is a miserable excuse for a human being who has spent $20,000 in court costs in his pursuit.
What the FUCK?!?!?!?!
Tuesday, July 17, 2007
Shayne
Shayne has been on my mind a lot lately. In September, we will hit the 4 year mark since he died of a drug overdose/asphyxiation. His death was, at best, questionable - not that he died, but how. I never asked his mom about the official cause of death according to the medical examiner, but that's because I don't want to concentrate on that. Shayne, like most, was much more than the way he died.
I met Shayne in Spring 1993 while I was a Junior in High School. I will never forget the first time I saw him - in cut-off shorts, Doc Martin boots, and a very open weave lightweight pullover. He took my breath away - he had a beautiful smile, beautiful eyes, and the best backwoods East Texas accent. I was captivated by everything he said and couldn't take my eyes off of him.
We became friends and I found myself making frequent visits. We "hooked up" a few times and had a great time, but I was still in High School and he was 22. I was way too serious and he had way too much partying to do. It would be a few years before we could meet somewhere in the middle. When I was 20 and he was 25 we were both walking out of horribly bad, short-lived relationships and ran to each other.
He moved into my efficiency with me and my dog, Rogue. We spent the next three years together, two of which were very happy. The third year we discovered he was HIV+. After a long battle with chronic pneumonia, his mom came down from Arkansas and insisted on going to the hospital. The doctor came in and said, "well this is typical in AIDS-related pneumonia." WHAT?!?!?!? This was the first we'd heard - AIDS-related? Don't you have to be HIV+ for that? Turns out he was, and had full blown AIDS to boot.
It only confirmed the fact that he felt we had an open relationship and I felt we didn't. Amazingly enough, I remained negative. I put aside all of my feelings of betrayal, hurt, and anger and decided that I had to get him well. After all, I can't kill him if he dies first. I spent the next year nursing him back to full health - got him on a regular medication routine, got his counts down to undetectable, taught him how to take care of himself. Then, once he was healthy and on our 3rd anniversary I decided it was time for us to move on with our lives individually.
While we were no longer in a relationship, I never stopped loving him. We were friends before and remained friends after. I never hated Shayne for what he did during our relationship because that's who he was and I was naive enough to think that I could change that. He loved me too - I have no doubt about that, but he was not a fan of monogamy. We both moved on with our lives while still hanging out occasionally and talking regularly. Even after I moved to CA we still talked weekly.
Ten years after I met Shayne and first became intoxicated with his spirit and his vitality, I got the phone call that he had died. I went numb. Shayne was the type of person that was so full of life all the time, it was impossible to imagine him not moving, not breathing, not dancing (his passion). I will give him this, he always said that if he died while partying and having sex, he would die happy. Well, I guess he died happy. At least I hope he did.
The other day his mom called me like she does every few months or so. We talked for awhile and our conversation came around to the DVD I'm supposed to put together for her, made up of different videos I have of him. I've been promising it for years, but honestly haven't been able to bring myself to watch them again. (I still have the sweater he was wearing the first time I ever saw him). His death has been one of the hardest I've ever had to deal with. I've done a very good job of avoiding it until now.
I went to Mark and Brian's to transfer the tape to DVD. This particular one was one that a friend made for a project in school. She had to record a colorful personality and then later imitate them in class. Shayne sat in front of the camera while she interviewed him talking about his life and what it was like for an obviously gay kid to grow up in small-town East Texas. Watching that video again, after so many years, was very emotional. I got through it with only a few tears, but it opened something inside of me - an old wound that I thought I'd closed pretty well.
Now that I have it on DVD, I have to sit down and edit it for his mom. I just don't think I'm ready to sit alone doing that. The thought of watching that video all alone scares the living shit out of me, which is one reason I need to do it. I think I'll do it in stages. Tomorrow I'm staying home to work on chores. "Chore" is a good way to describe this project right now. I might as well add it to the list and start chipping away at it bit by bit. It's time I face these bottled up emotions and actually try to say good-bye to Shayne instead of holding out hope that he isn't really gone.
He is one of the great loves of my life - a man I will never forget. He was witty, funny, loved music, loved to dance, beautiful, and in many ways child-like. I wanted him in my life much longer than ten years, but I'm thankful for the time I got. I will never be the same for knowing him. I am reminded of him at least once a day. He is very much a part of my life to this day, which I'm realizing means I'm not wanting to let him go. And I don't. But I know that in order to live a more fulfilling life I need to give up some of the ghosts I'm hanging onto. Instead of hoping he didn't die, I need to put that energy toward remembering a full life lived and applying the lessons I learned from him to my life. That is the best way to ensure that he stays around and isn't forgotten.
Now on to that damn DVD...
I met Shayne in Spring 1993 while I was a Junior in High School. I will never forget the first time I saw him - in cut-off shorts, Doc Martin boots, and a very open weave lightweight pullover. He took my breath away - he had a beautiful smile, beautiful eyes, and the best backwoods East Texas accent. I was captivated by everything he said and couldn't take my eyes off of him.
We became friends and I found myself making frequent visits. We "hooked up" a few times and had a great time, but I was still in High School and he was 22. I was way too serious and he had way too much partying to do. It would be a few years before we could meet somewhere in the middle. When I was 20 and he was 25 we were both walking out of horribly bad, short-lived relationships and ran to each other.
He moved into my efficiency with me and my dog, Rogue. We spent the next three years together, two of which were very happy. The third year we discovered he was HIV+. After a long battle with chronic pneumonia, his mom came down from Arkansas and insisted on going to the hospital. The doctor came in and said, "well this is typical in AIDS-related pneumonia." WHAT?!?!?!? This was the first we'd heard - AIDS-related? Don't you have to be HIV+ for that? Turns out he was, and had full blown AIDS to boot.
It only confirmed the fact that he felt we had an open relationship and I felt we didn't. Amazingly enough, I remained negative. I put aside all of my feelings of betrayal, hurt, and anger and decided that I had to get him well. After all, I can't kill him if he dies first. I spent the next year nursing him back to full health - got him on a regular medication routine, got his counts down to undetectable, taught him how to take care of himself. Then, once he was healthy and on our 3rd anniversary I decided it was time for us to move on with our lives individually.
While we were no longer in a relationship, I never stopped loving him. We were friends before and remained friends after. I never hated Shayne for what he did during our relationship because that's who he was and I was naive enough to think that I could change that. He loved me too - I have no doubt about that, but he was not a fan of monogamy. We both moved on with our lives while still hanging out occasionally and talking regularly. Even after I moved to CA we still talked weekly.
Ten years after I met Shayne and first became intoxicated with his spirit and his vitality, I got the phone call that he had died. I went numb. Shayne was the type of person that was so full of life all the time, it was impossible to imagine him not moving, not breathing, not dancing (his passion). I will give him this, he always said that if he died while partying and having sex, he would die happy. Well, I guess he died happy. At least I hope he did.
The other day his mom called me like she does every few months or so. We talked for awhile and our conversation came around to the DVD I'm supposed to put together for her, made up of different videos I have of him. I've been promising it for years, but honestly haven't been able to bring myself to watch them again. (I still have the sweater he was wearing the first time I ever saw him). His death has been one of the hardest I've ever had to deal with. I've done a very good job of avoiding it until now.
I went to Mark and Brian's to transfer the tape to DVD. This particular one was one that a friend made for a project in school. She had to record a colorful personality and then later imitate them in class. Shayne sat in front of the camera while she interviewed him talking about his life and what it was like for an obviously gay kid to grow up in small-town East Texas. Watching that video again, after so many years, was very emotional. I got through it with only a few tears, but it opened something inside of me - an old wound that I thought I'd closed pretty well.
Now that I have it on DVD, I have to sit down and edit it for his mom. I just don't think I'm ready to sit alone doing that. The thought of watching that video all alone scares the living shit out of me, which is one reason I need to do it. I think I'll do it in stages. Tomorrow I'm staying home to work on chores. "Chore" is a good way to describe this project right now. I might as well add it to the list and start chipping away at it bit by bit. It's time I face these bottled up emotions and actually try to say good-bye to Shayne instead of holding out hope that he isn't really gone.
He is one of the great loves of my life - a man I will never forget. He was witty, funny, loved music, loved to dance, beautiful, and in many ways child-like. I wanted him in my life much longer than ten years, but I'm thankful for the time I got. I will never be the same for knowing him. I am reminded of him at least once a day. He is very much a part of my life to this day, which I'm realizing means I'm not wanting to let him go. And I don't. But I know that in order to live a more fulfilling life I need to give up some of the ghosts I'm hanging onto. Instead of hoping he didn't die, I need to put that energy toward remembering a full life lived and applying the lessons I learned from him to my life. That is the best way to ensure that he stays around and isn't forgotten.
Now on to that damn DVD...
Monday, July 16, 2007
I'm baaaaaaack...
Thank you for being patient with me. I'm just trying to work out a bunch of personal shit and I've just been worn out lately. I've been thinking a lot about this blog: the reasons I started it, what it's become, and where I want it to go. I realize that this is just a very surface level account of my daily activities. Not all entries have been surface level, but it seems that most are. It isn't what I intended, but I'm a chicken shit.
I have been told on more than one occasion recently that I am emotionally unavailable which is why I am usually drawn to unavailable men - usually straight or far, far away. I've discussed this with the shrink quite a bit lately and he tends to agree. I was discussing it with Stacie this weekend and she agreed, "well, you are pretty unavailable." Hmmmm...
How do I change that? I don't know, but I've decided to start here with this blog. Initially when I started I thought I'd write stories about different events from my past with the occasional story from the present. It's the events from my past that I need to face and own up to, I've just been afraid, not only of facing them, but of doing so in such a public way.
My other concern was that the majority of stories worth writing about are filled with pain and I wasn't sure how tiresome that would become. There is a reason I spent 9 years of my life getting high on meth as often as I could. I was running from my life rather than accepting and moving beyond the pain. Although I'm clean now (2 1/2 years) I am still hiding from a lot more of my past than I realized.
Now that I don't do drugs I hide in different ways. If I don't get close to people two things will happen - 1) I don't have to reveal myself to anyone, forcing me to look within, and 2) I don't open myself up to further pain in the future. I realize that the logic is flawed. It doesn't change the fact that it's where my mind naturally goes.
I was also made aware recently that not everyone understands how the mind of someone in my state works. Most people understand being upset or blue for a bit, but few understand the level of depression I feel makes everyday difficult. One thing that I hope to get across is to help people understand why a smile, a pat on the back, and the words, "everything will get better" just doesn't help at all. I understand that people only want to help, but this isn't something that will go away with good intentions.
So there will be days when I throw in funny anecdotes and/or positive, happy stories. I'm not saying there aren't happy days, it's just not the majority. I'll understand if it just becomes too much of a downer. If it does, please let me know. If you suddenly feel the need, as a reader, for a happier, lighter story, please feel free to tell me either in a comment or email. I am going to put a lot of myself out there and I'm terrified to do it, so anytime anyone feels compelled to say something, please do. I look forward to reading comments and emails from anyone who takes the slightest interest in my life so far.
I have been told on more than one occasion recently that I am emotionally unavailable which is why I am usually drawn to unavailable men - usually straight or far, far away. I've discussed this with the shrink quite a bit lately and he tends to agree. I was discussing it with Stacie this weekend and she agreed, "well, you are pretty unavailable." Hmmmm...
How do I change that? I don't know, but I've decided to start here with this blog. Initially when I started I thought I'd write stories about different events from my past with the occasional story from the present. It's the events from my past that I need to face and own up to, I've just been afraid, not only of facing them, but of doing so in such a public way.
My other concern was that the majority of stories worth writing about are filled with pain and I wasn't sure how tiresome that would become. There is a reason I spent 9 years of my life getting high on meth as often as I could. I was running from my life rather than accepting and moving beyond the pain. Although I'm clean now (2 1/2 years) I am still hiding from a lot more of my past than I realized.
Now that I don't do drugs I hide in different ways. If I don't get close to people two things will happen - 1) I don't have to reveal myself to anyone, forcing me to look within, and 2) I don't open myself up to further pain in the future. I realize that the logic is flawed. It doesn't change the fact that it's where my mind naturally goes.
I was also made aware recently that not everyone understands how the mind of someone in my state works. Most people understand being upset or blue for a bit, but few understand the level of depression I feel makes everyday difficult. One thing that I hope to get across is to help people understand why a smile, a pat on the back, and the words, "everything will get better" just doesn't help at all. I understand that people only want to help, but this isn't something that will go away with good intentions.
So there will be days when I throw in funny anecdotes and/or positive, happy stories. I'm not saying there aren't happy days, it's just not the majority. I'll understand if it just becomes too much of a downer. If it does, please let me know. If you suddenly feel the need, as a reader, for a happier, lighter story, please feel free to tell me either in a comment or email. I am going to put a lot of myself out there and I'm terrified to do it, so anytime anyone feels compelled to say something, please do. I look forward to reading comments and emails from anyone who takes the slightest interest in my life so far.
Wednesday, July 11, 2007
Tiny Break
Ok, so I'm taking this week off with the blog. I have so much going on right now at work and at home that I just need a few days off to focus on myself. I'll be back next Monday (July 16th). I promise. Really.
Monday, July 9, 2007
Weekend Recap
This was a busy weekend. Not in the traveling, drinking, partying sort of way, but in a got a lot accomplished, satisfying sort of way. Friday Mark, Brian, Mama, and I went to Fair Park to see Spamalot. HILARIOUS! (That is - if you like Monty Python.) The Lady of the Lake stole the show and after listening to the Broadway version I have a feeling she did there as well.
Saturday we decided to go to the first showing of Transformers. On the way, we stopped at Metro Diner (yum) for breakfast. Transformers was better the second time around. It is so hard to see all of the action the first time around. It's all too fast. The second time it was much easier to see. I caught a lot that I hadn't caught before.
After the movie, I was standing in the corridor waiting for Mark and Brian to get out of the bathroom. I looked up at one of the theatres next to me and noticed that Ratatouille started in about 20 minutes. Suddenly I flashed back to Junior High and decided we should sneak in. Mark was hesitant - he likes to follow rules. He was so nervous sitting there before the movie started, as if secret agents were about to drop from the ceiling and apprehend us. The movie was cute, but I'm kinda glad I didn't pay for it.
After a much needed nap we regrouped that night and did the movie thing again, but this time at the house. We watched Deja Vu followed by Hannibal Rising. The former was interesting, the latter wasn't bad. Overall I think I was just a bit tired. We didn't finish the movie until about 2am, so I just went ahead and spent the night.
Sunday morning we went to breakfast at Cafe Brazil (YUM), then we parted to do housework. I don't know what got into me, but suddenly I was at home going through boxes of shit that have been piled up since I moved in last November. I also pulled down all of my boxes of school stuff and went through everything, reboxing the things I wanted to keep.I ended up throwing out about 5 large boxes worth of stuff. It was such a great feeling to get that stuff moved out of there.
That afternoon we rejoined each other and headed to The Hidden Door for the Sunday Beer Bust where we ran into Jim. We met his friends who have a monkey and hung out with them a bit. Brian noticed someone standing on his own and since Brian is really Julie the Cruise Director, he had to go talk to him. That's how we met Devon and his partner Rook and their friend Brian.
We met them at Uncle Julio's for dinner. It was a lot of fun. I felt so popular there - it seemed like everyone I knew decided it was time to eat Mexican. After dinner I stumbled home and pretty much passed out until waking up this morning at 5:45. WTF?!?!? My alarm was set for 7, but my body disagreed. So I got to work at 7:15 this morning. Unfortunately I don't get overtime and I don't get to leave early. I'm so dedicated...
Saturday we decided to go to the first showing of Transformers. On the way, we stopped at Metro Diner (yum) for breakfast. Transformers was better the second time around. It is so hard to see all of the action the first time around. It's all too fast. The second time it was much easier to see. I caught a lot that I hadn't caught before.
After the movie, I was standing in the corridor waiting for Mark and Brian to get out of the bathroom. I looked up at one of the theatres next to me and noticed that Ratatouille started in about 20 minutes. Suddenly I flashed back to Junior High and decided we should sneak in. Mark was hesitant - he likes to follow rules. He was so nervous sitting there before the movie started, as if secret agents were about to drop from the ceiling and apprehend us. The movie was cute, but I'm kinda glad I didn't pay for it.
After a much needed nap we regrouped that night and did the movie thing again, but this time at the house. We watched Deja Vu followed by Hannibal Rising. The former was interesting, the latter wasn't bad. Overall I think I was just a bit tired. We didn't finish the movie until about 2am, so I just went ahead and spent the night.
Sunday morning we went to breakfast at Cafe Brazil (YUM), then we parted to do housework. I don't know what got into me, but suddenly I was at home going through boxes of shit that have been piled up since I moved in last November. I also pulled down all of my boxes of school stuff and went through everything, reboxing the things I wanted to keep.I ended up throwing out about 5 large boxes worth of stuff. It was such a great feeling to get that stuff moved out of there.
That afternoon we rejoined each other and headed to The Hidden Door for the Sunday Beer Bust where we ran into Jim. We met his friends who have a monkey and hung out with them a bit. Brian noticed someone standing on his own and since Brian is really Julie the Cruise Director, he had to go talk to him. That's how we met Devon and his partner Rook and their friend Brian.
We met them at Uncle Julio's for dinner. It was a lot of fun. I felt so popular there - it seemed like everyone I knew decided it was time to eat Mexican. After dinner I stumbled home and pretty much passed out until waking up this morning at 5:45. WTF?!?!? My alarm was set for 7, but my body disagreed. So I got to work at 7:15 this morning. Unfortunately I don't get overtime and I don't get to leave early. I'm so dedicated...
Friday, July 6, 2007
More Than Meets the Eye
I'm so excited! It has been so long since there's been a good action movie that didn't disappoint and in the past two weeks I've seen two. Last night Mark, Brian, and I went to see Transformers. I'd been waiting for them to get back from NOLA, so I was very excited.
We sat for 2 1/2 hours in awe. This movie was amazing! Well written, incredible action sequences, great acting - it had it all. There was much more humor than I was expecting, but it was a pleasant surprise.
I'm not going to go into any details because I don't want to spoil anything for anyone, but go see it in the theaters. It doesn't matter if you are familiar with the Transformers or not. Yes, I grew up watching them and playing with the action figures, but I don't think that enhanced the experience any more other than getting chills when I heard Optimus Prime speak for the first time.
We're going back on Saturday to see it again.
Thursday, July 5, 2007
4th of July
Last night was the annual 4th of July gathering of my family at the Rangers game. You can't get much more all-American than getting together at a baseball game, eating hot dogs, and watching fireworks.
Stacie went with me. We decided to grab a bite to eat before the game. Even though there would be food in the suite, it's hot dogs and nachos. I wanted a salad - and what goes really well with a salad? Two premium margaritas. I was pretty toasted by the time we got to the suite. Those suckers were strong! I told Stacie not to let me hold Ella until I'd sobered up a bit.
All of the family was there - my parents, sister, aunts, uncles, cousins, and friends. It was really nice to see everyone together like that. This particular group only gets together twice a year, so it's always a great time.
After the game (Rangers won), we had primo seating for the fireworks show. I recorded the entire 17 minute show. I figured some people don't get to see much of a fireworks show, so here ya go!
Pictures
Wednesday, July 4, 2007
Turn Around, Don't Drown
Isn't it basic common sense that if there is a flooded area you shouldn't drive or walk into it? I know personally if I see water moving across the road like a little river, I avoid it and find an alternate route. If people are stupid enough to take on Mother Nature, and especially water, they deserve what comes to them. It's called Thinning Out The Herd - and it needs to be done.
Well, in order to protect morons from themselves, the government has deemed it necessary to spend money to create a program called "Turn Around Don't Drown" (TADD). They say that people usually underestimate the power of water. All I can say to this is look at the Grand Canyon - water can fuck you up.
I personally would think that the multiple deaths each year of stupid people in flood waters, not to mention the hours of news coverage of rescues, would be warning enough to not attempt a crossing. But no - they all think they're invincible. What they don't consider is that the stupid people aren't always the only ones to die. Every now and then rescue workers are swept away in the unpredictable flood waters. Not only are they risking their own lives, but the lives of their rescuers as well.
If you need a sign to tell you to turn around so you don't drown, you probably wouldn't pay attention to it anyway. The government needs to stop trying to save people from themselves. Let Darwin's theory play out - oh wait - nevermind. I forgot this is the administration that doesn't believe in evolution. Maybe they should take a little drive themselves - c'mon, the water's not that deep...
Well, in order to protect morons from themselves, the government has deemed it necessary to spend money to create a program called "Turn Around Don't Drown" (TADD). They say that people usually underestimate the power of water. All I can say to this is look at the Grand Canyon - water can fuck you up.
I personally would think that the multiple deaths each year of stupid people in flood waters, not to mention the hours of news coverage of rescues, would be warning enough to not attempt a crossing. But no - they all think they're invincible. What they don't consider is that the stupid people aren't always the only ones to die. Every now and then rescue workers are swept away in the unpredictable flood waters. Not only are they risking their own lives, but the lives of their rescuers as well.
If you need a sign to tell you to turn around so you don't drown, you probably wouldn't pay attention to it anyway. The government needs to stop trying to save people from themselves. Let Darwin's theory play out - oh wait - nevermind. I forgot this is the administration that doesn't believe in evolution. Maybe they should take a little drive themselves - c'mon, the water's not that deep...
Tuesday, July 3, 2007
When it rains...
Well, yesterday just plain sucked. I went to my shrink for a much needed session. For some reason the past couple of months my depression has been a little off the charts. We had a very good talk - that is, until he informed me that as of Sept he would no longer be able to be my doctor. He has accepted a full time position at SMU. Without missing a beat I started crying. I never in a million years would've imagined that would be my reaction. It's rare that I cry, especially that easily. He's been my doctor for 2 1/2 years. I've told him things I haven't told anyone - ever. It took me about 9 months to get to a point where I trusted him. Now I get to start over. Luckily I have a few more sessions with him before then.
That was how the day started. By the end of the day I was short on rent and had gained 10 pounds (not in one day). It was almost impossible to get out of bed this morning. Right now I'm sitting at my desk at work and all I can think about is sleeping. Thank god tomorrow is a holiday.
That was how the day started. By the end of the day I was short on rent and had gained 10 pounds (not in one day). It was almost impossible to get out of bed this morning. Right now I'm sitting at my desk at work and all I can think about is sleeping. Thank god tomorrow is a holiday.
Sunday, July 1, 2007
Fireworks at the Ranch
Well, Friday, Mark was laid off, Brian was going out of town for a family reunion. We decided we needed to get out of town. Mark and I went to the Ranch for the weekend. We got there Friday evening and did the usual hanging out and drinking thing, but this time we didn't overdo it. We were up until about 1am or so before retiring while the rest of the golf cart group stayed out until about 4am.
Saturday we took it easy. Mark spent a lot of time working on his resume while I watched a couple of movies. In the afternoon, we went to the pool and hung out for about an hour. We had a very interesting conversation with a nice lesbian who had an interesting story about her mom. Turns out that her mom called the other day to say that her boyfriend had robbed a bank. And that was just the beginning of the story.
Afterward, we attended the pot luck and then headed back to the trailer for a short afternoon nap. We did the whole movie/resume/internet thing for a bit before heading back down to the pavilion for live music and a fireworks show. We hung out for a bit after the show and decided that we were in less of a mood to drink and more of a mood to watch a movie. Mark had never seen What's Love Got to Do With It, so we watched that before calling it a night.
All in all, it was a very relaxing weekend. Probably the most relaxing weekend I've ever had there. Mark and Brian are joining Mama and Twyla for the week in New Orleans (I'm so jealous). But I know Mark needs the break. It'll do him a lot of good.
Fireworks Pictures
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