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Last night in my boredom I decided I would try to fix my internet myself. I brought out my Bag O' Cords and Cables and sat on the floor next to the cable outlet with determination. After trying just about every combination I could think of and replacing every cable multiple times it dawned on me that it may be an issue with the router, not the modem. After messing with the router for a few minutes I fixed it!
I'm a freakin genius! Actually, if I were a genius it would've been fixed last week. I was just so determined to beat those gremlins at something. Yesterday was such a crazy day with anything electronic, I decided I had to win at least one battle.
Of course, once I had the internet going I went blank. I couldn't remember all of the stuff that had been so urgent for me to find throughout the week. I think it has more to do with access. I panic that if I'm going to need to look something up I won't be able to. Silly, I know.
Anywho - I feel like a normal human being again!
I believe in gremlins. They are the little creatures that mess with your tv, stereo, phone, electricity, etc. They steal socks and move keys. Basically they are responsible for all of the "weird" little occurances throughout the day. I am surrounded by them. My latest encounter is related to my cable modem.
Today a technician was supposed to come replace my modem between 8 and 11. I got a call at 7 just to verify the appointment and to make sure I would be there. At 9:20 I received a voicemail from the cable company telling me that it was 9:03 and they had called 3 times. I was going to have to call customer service and reschedule.
I had my phone next to me the entire time and it NEVER rang! I checked my call log and it showed no received or missed calls. I just received a voicemail 20 minutes after it was left. I called customer service immediately hoping they would still be in the neighborhood, but after waiting 30 minutes on hold I decided to head to work. I give up! The gremlins win!
I'm going on a week without internet access at home and it's driving me nuts! And I just know the gremlins are sitting there laughing at me.
OH - AND I forgot - my freezer started acting up this week and turned my popsicles into liquid as well as my air conditioner quit blowing cold air. What the hell did I do to to those little buggers?!?!?
Addendum - The gremlins know where I work. Since I got to work the fax machine started acting up. It's going crazy. It's ringing non-stop and reprinting each fax about 6 times along with an error message that says it wasn't received. Of course HP has no idea what's going on. AND my power strip has failed twice and shutdown everything at my desk. WTF?!?!?
This morning, 4:48 to be precise, I was awakened by the pitiful whines of a Great Dane. She normally doesn't do that. She would sleep 'til 9 or 10 if I let her. So, naturally, I was concerned - as concerned as one can be at 4:48 am. When I looked into her crate I saw the source of her angst. (Yes, Great Danes have a LOT of angst.)
She had diarrhea. Not as bad as I've seen it before, but bad enough that she couldn't hold it and let it go on her bed. So, I took her out and instead of going back to bed I decided to get some stuff done around the loft (see Mark, I'm trying). I did some laundry and dishes and did some basic cleanup, including Abby's crate.
I decided to get to work early since I have to leave early to pick up Mark from the airport this afternoon. I don't have to be here (I'm at work now) until 9, but came in at 7. In anticipation of the long day ahead I stopped at Starbucks where I not only got my 4 shot coffee I regularly get, but also 2 cans of "Doubleshot". I have a feeling it's not going to help much in the overall scheme of things, but I have to try.
As for Abby, I dropped her off at daycare and everything seemed fine when I left. Hopefully it was just a little bug or something that's passed. I'm crossing my fingers.
Last night I said farewell to a friend. I've been watching Rome on HBO for two seasons now and have loved every minute of it. Imagine my disappointment when I turn it on last night to see that it was the season SERIES finale!
I was beginning to wonder a couple of weeks ago when everyone started dying pretty rapidly. Suddenly the series would jump ahead a few years and more people would be dead or dying. I just assumed they were going to move into a new direction. Unfortunately, I was wrong. Rome has fallen once again!
Thank Dog I found "The Tudors" on Showtime to fill the void!
I have no internet access at home. ARRRGGGHH!!! My cable modem has gone out 3 or 4 times since I've had it. Everything looks ok, it just doesn't send info. It has fixed itself every other time - but no more. The earliest they can get a technician out is Thursday. Until then I have to settle for work access (unless my modem makes a miracle recovery).
It's just made me realize how pathetically attached to the internet I've become. I've forgotten how to look up a number in a phone book, hell I don't even have a phone book. I had to go hunting for a newspaper to check movie times. I can't chat and say hi to people. I can't shop (which is probably a good thing). I'm lost.
So, I apologize if I miss a day or two blogging this week. I'm trying to get to work early to get it done, but who knows how long I'll be able to keep that up.
On a lighter note, I spent Sunday with my parents, my very pregnant sister, her husband, and my nephew. It was nice. I hadn't seen any of them in over a month which is very bizarre for me. I'm used to seeing them at least twice a month if not more. My neice is due to be born in a couple of weeks. My poor sister looks like she's about to pop (just don't say anything to her about it).
What else? Mark left me to my own devices for a few days. He has a conference in FL. I'll probably check out a couple of sales, workout, and watch TV. (I know - I live a life to be envied). It's ok, I need the rest. Last night I was working on my planner and realized April is going to be insane! So, I'll enjoy it while I can.
I miss the days of one-stop grocery shopping. At about 9:00 I decided to run out to the store and grab a few things. I really needed some more of my protein shakes and decided to grab a few other things while I was out.
I headed to Albertson's. About halfway through the store I realized this wasn't the store that carries my protein shakes. I had already spent a half hour in there and decided to do the rest of my shopping before running to the store next door. I started looking for soup.
Everyday for lunch I eat one of those microwaveable bowls of Campbell's. Campbell's has kindly given us quite a selection of tasty options. Unfortunately, Albertson's doesn't. They have about 4 kinds of Vegetable Beef and 2 kinds of Tomato. I thought I'd check Progresso. Same story - Vegetable Beef. DOGDAMMIT!!! There are 50 other selections on the shelf, but none in the microwaveable bowls (and I know they make them).
THEN, I went for the milk. Easy, right? There is only one kind I buy: Horizon Organic 1%. What was the ONE kind of milk missing? HORIZON ORGANIC 1%!!! Deep Breaths...
I finished what shopping I could and decided to head next door to the Wal-Mart Neighborhood Store. (I hate Wal-Mart, but they were next door and I just needed a couple of things) Soup? Same story but with the addition of Clam Chowder and some other crap I don't like. Milk? Nope. Just out of mine - fully stocked in every other kind. Protein shakes? Forget it. I threw down my basket and stormed out the door. By this point it's 10:30.
Then it dawns on me. I got the protein shakes from Kroger! I decided that it was worth it to make the trek to Kroger so I can have my shakes tomorrow. On my way over I call my ex to bitch because he's used to it. In the middle of my tirade about the milk, he informs me that there is a shortage on 1% Organic milk. Apparently it has become so popular they can't keep up with demand. So - everyone out there - quit drinking my milk!
I entered Kroger and immediately walked to my shakes, found my soups, and VOILA - found my milk! I was so excited I decided to pick up a few other things. I looked down and realized it was 11:00 and decided I had to get home. That late at night the only registers open are the self-checkout lanes. That's a whole other post and one I'm not going to get into tonight. Let's just say I couldn't get out of there fast enough.
It is now midnight. I'm kind of appalled that my "jaunt" to the store started a whopping 3 hours ago. I should have been posting this at 10. Next time, I'll just skip all of the others and start with Kroger.
It's amazing what a difference a clean house makes. When I moved into my loft shortly after my last relationship ended, I was determined to keep a very neat, clean, organized space. Quite the opposite of what I'd learned to live with. I did a really good job until I had a bout of depression.
I have battled major depression my entire life. While I am medicated and see a therapist regularly, there isn't really a "cure". It's still a daily battle, the meds just make it a little easier. So, every now and then I will still hit a rough patch. This happened last month. The upkeep fell apart and the loft became a black hole.
While depressed, I have no motivation to do anything, including throw away trash (not food trash - that's just too nasty), pick up, do laundry, etc. So, after a couple of weeks of it, the place was a wreck. Once I resurfaced I had a new problem. I had no idea where to start. Thank Dog for Mark. He was my savior.
Mark is one of those crazy people that loves cleaning and organizing (his own place he pointed out). He was kind enough to rescue me from the hole. Yesterday after working out we went straight back to my place and started cleaning. By the time he left at 10pm, the place looked like it did before the depression - still not 100% unpacked from moving, hardly decorated, but clean! I felt like I could breathe again.
We got a few more boxes unpacked and cleaned out the closet (yes, that's singular). I tossed out all of my XL and XXL clothes. It was hard because some had only been worn once, but I refuse to keep them anymore. The cool thing about living in the ghetto is that I can put the clothes out by the dumpster and they're gone within an hour. The homeless love it when I clean my closets!
I woke up this morning feeling refreshed and happy again. It's amazing what kind of effect a clean place has on a person. I feel human again and for that I am more grateful than I will ever be able to express.
After the weekend of binge drinking and bad eating I've decided it's time to fast. Actually, I went into CVS to get a Thermacare pad for my back and came across the Celebrity Diet - a two day fast. I have a shopping addiction.
It's been established that I have a problem with Kenneth Cole. I can't go into a KC store without buying something. Apparently it isn't limited to clothes and shoes. Everytime I seem to "run in" somewhere, I walk out with multiple bags an hour later. Saturday I ran to CVS for allergy medicine before going camping. An hour later I returned with 4 bags and $100 less. Tonight I go in for a heat patch and decide it's time for a fast.
This is how my life operates. The world is full of stuff that I don't need. I'm very big on "just in case" and "what if". I like to be prepared for whatever might happen - anytime, anywhere. Cub scouting had a major effect on me. That stupid, simple motto: Be Prepared stuck with me and fed into my shopping addiction. Sometimes I have to force myself to put everything down at the counter and just walk away. Sometimes that's all I need. To just shop and plan, but not really purchase.
OK, I know - my therapist has a field day with me sometimes.
Gooooood Looooord...
I'm a mess. I'll admit it. St Patrick's Day served as a reminder as to why I don't drink liquor very much anymore. I'm going to make this a very short post because I'm very drained and want to limit embarassing myself as much as possible.
I drank more than I have in many years. I remember bits and pieces of the evening, but for the most part, I have no recollection. What I do know is that I started emerging from my blackout (I lost a few hours) while sitting on the floor of a strange trailer, naked, throwing up into the person's shower. I have no idea how or why I was naked - no one will talk. What I do know is that I apparently have made a name for myself at the ranch. Oh joy, oh joy.
Actually, the embarassment has faded and I have made myself memorable I guess. All in all it was a good weekend. Next time I'll just have to control the liquor intake. Maybe stick to beer and a couple of shots instead of Vodka and a bottle of tequila. OK, I can't think about it anymore. I think I'm feeling a little sick again.
oh
my
god!
The Scissor Sisters concert was awesome! And that isn't a word I use lightly - in fact, I never use that word. But it was! For more than just the concert - don't get me wrong - I LOVE them, but last night was kind of a monumental night. Last night was the meeting of the best friends.
I have known Stacie for 15 years. We've been best friends for most of that time, and during that time there were no others. I didn't think it would be possible to have more than one. I mean the word is "best" right? As in, nothing better - and singular, but I was wrong. Now there's Mark.
The two had never met before last night. It's always a little stressful, but it went great! They got along, and better than that - they actually like each other! They weren't as crazy about me with them together. I have this natural sarcasm and bitchiness that is in my blood. (One reason I don't have a lot of friends). With Stacie and Mark individually I'm free to be my sarcastic bitchy sSelf. Well, apparently when I'm around the two together I go into bitchy hypermode. Luckily Stacie's been around long enough to know that if I'm like that with you it is a sign of affection. As messed up as it is I show affection by making snide remarks.
I've worked on it and have finally come to the conclusion that it will never change. I'm not a negative person necessarily, just a little bitchy at times. Anywho - I'm excited because it's time for another ranch weekend! WooHoo!!! I think St Patrick's Day is one of my favorite holidays...I'm such an alcoholic...
I have nothing to write about today. I know what I'm going to write about tomorrow and Monday, but for today - nothing. I was going to write about the car show, but I decided to let Mark and Brian do that alone. They need some alone time, especially since I'll be spending the next few days with them doing stuff. So, here I sit with not a lot to say. But I do remember a dream from last night.
Last night I dreamt I wrote a book. Actually, it was a continuation of a previous dream - at least I think it was. I don't remember my dreams very often so there's probably a reason for remembering this one. It wasn't the greatest book, in fact I think I wrote it in about 3 hours. It started out as a vampire story, but turned into a shark story. I don't remember much more than that about the actual story other than it involved electric eels. Why do I know that?
I remember my agent telling me that it would never be classified in the correct section. That because I wrote about electric eels it would be filed with electrician books instead of horror. (It made complete sense in my dream)
I designed the cover myself. Painted it and put it all together in about an hour (I wish I worked this fast in real life). Then I thought about overall packaging. For some reason I had the brilliant idea of wrapping it in a t-shirt. (I've been buying a lot of t-shirts online lately) and Voila! finished! Now it just has to be published! I'm wondering if I'll dream about that tonight.
I've been wanting to write a book for a long time. I wonder if this is just an expression of that, or a warning that it will suck.
Well, I had my first sonogram today and good news - I'm not pregnant. I spent a couple of hours out of my day at the urologist. I've had a few minor, annoying problems and now that I have insurance I decided to get them checked out.
The first good news of the day is that my bladder is stretched to twice the size of a normal bladder. I can pee for hours and 5 minutes later do it again. Odd. He decided that he needed to take a look at the inside of my bladder. If a doctor ever says very non-chalantly that he needs to have a look inside your bladder or uses the term "cystoscopy", get up and leave the office, unless you want to meet this guy:
There is only one way into the bladder. Thank god for the little bit of numbing gel that was used. It was a very uncomfortable experience, but made for interesting television watching. And the good (?) news is that he didn't find anything. The bad news is - he doesn't know what's causing the problems.
He prescribed some medication for an enlarged prostrate - even though it seems to be ok. We're now down to process of elimination. I will take the meds and see if it helps. In a month I'll go back to check-in. If that doesn't work, then we're on the path to some slightly more invasive procedures. That has fun written all over it!
As you can see from the picture, it was a very interesting weekend.This picture was taken at the end of a long evening of drinking - probably stating the obvious. I spent a little more time in that casket than I would've liked while I was waiting to surprise some visitors. I was in the mask with the lid closed. It was a very surreal experience, one I'll probably never repeat. I can't describe what it is like laying in a casket listening to people talking in the next room and just waiting. It definitely reinforced my desire to be cremated.
I pretty much drank all day - beer and Smirnoff Ice. After a nap and a sandwich, we decided to hop in the cart and cruise the grounds. Mark and I moved on to Mimosas while Brian stuck with the beer. We arrived at the campfire where most people were hanging out and were offered 100 proof tequila. Of course Mark and I had to have a few shots. The bottle was the size of a beer bottle and we split it with a really nice lesbian.
Once that was gone we headed to Ray and Brad's trailer to find more liquor. We finished off a bottle of Goldschlager, started on Cinnamon Schnapps, refilled our mimosas and headed back to the fire. Later on I topped it off with a couple of Vodka shots while continuing with the mimosas. Needless to say, climbing into a casket was the perfect topper to the evening. Amazingly enough I didn't get sick - it has just taken a couple of days to recover.
I'm just resting up for next weekend - St Patty's day at the ranch!
So, I'm writing this a few hours earlier than normal while doing laundry in preparation for this weekend. Mark, Brian, and I are taking our dogs and heading to the ranch. This will be my first trip out there and I'm pretty excited. A couple of days away from everything sounds great! Abby has never been camping and she can hardly contain herself. For those of you who haven't had the pleasure of meeting her, here is a picture.
She is my 120 pound 10 month old puppy. She's got her toys packed and she's ready to go! Me on the other hand...I should have been home doing laundry and getting my shit together rather than my favorite pasttime - shopping. But alas, my addiction won out.
I had to go pick up my glasses from the mall today - yes I need glasses for computer work and reading. Seeeeeee????
After picking up my new glasses we decided to "run by" Kenneth Cole. If you've ever been shopping with me, you know that odds are against my leaving Kenneth Cole empty-handed. Even if I can't afford the $300 boots I want, I can pick up a wallet or something. So big surprise when we walked in I just happened across a pair of $125 jeans for $50. They were the last pair and they were just my size. Serendipity!! I found another pair that were just $90 and had this great stitching on the back pockets. Had to get em. It's weird how I can go into a store like that and suddenly that doesn't seem like a ridiculous price for jeans. But, when I'm shopping for Levi's I refuse to pay more than $30. Weird. Kenneth Cole has that effect on me. It's an obsession.
So, my little excursion to pick up my glasses led me to two pairs of jeans at Kenneth Cole. We had to walk through Macy's on the way back to the car, so of course I had to make sure I wasn't missing anything. I decided I needed some shorts for the weekend since all of mine are too big now. While picking out shorts, Mark pointed out a hoodie that happened to have my last initial sewn into the back on sale from $80 to $18. (We're good at pointing these things out to each other.) So, of course I had to buy it.
So here I sit, doing laundry, watching Will & Grace, writing in the blog, and getting ready for the weekend when I really just want to go to bed.
I never thought I'd be one of those people. You know the ones - all they can think about is working out and supplements. I have never worked out on a regular basis in my life. I've always hated exercise of any kind (I did PE by correspondence in high school), so I never understood the people who were obsessed over it. Now I'm starting to get it.
Last night I went to the store to get a few snacks to keep at work. I walked out with nothing in my cart but protein shakes, raisins and prunes (work snacks), and tuna. I carefully read the labels of everything I bought, only getting things that were beneficial to me in some way. No empty calories.
The most interesting part of it was that I realized about halfway through the store that I was excited about it. It was like I was on a hunt, because it seems that about 80% of the stuff in a grocery store is just crap. I didn't want crap, so I got to hunt. And it was fun. I found myself judging other people based on what they had in their carts. That's when it really hit me that I was becoming one of those people myself.
I look forward to my workout every day even though it kicks my ass. I carefully plan out what I'm going to eat and when. I look at myself in the mirror a lot noticing the slightest change in my build. I notice how my muscles feel throughout the day, how my body is getting a little harder everyday. Yep, it's official - hell has frozen over and pigs can fly. I never believed I could become this person, but here I am. If I can do this, than anyone can.
I am screaming inside. I feel like I'm coming apart. My anger is blinding and overwhelming right now. The other day when I wrote about my best friend's murderer and where I stood on the death penalty, I feel I was a little misleading. I am not opposed to the death penalty for humanitarian reasons in cases that have been proven without a shadow of doubt. I believe it is too humane.
In the past when I would think of the things that were done to Cari over that period of a few hours, I would completely separate my emotions and kind of glaze over. I learned to do that in the courtroom when pictures and detailed descriptions were going around. When they opened the paper bag and pulled out one of her sandals covered in sand from the creek and her bra which was found tied around her wrists - I learned to separate those events from the person I loved so much. Not anymore.
I've spent the past 14 years in denial and am starting to face the anger - the all-encompassing rage that I feel for James Clark. I never wanted to face it because I was scared of it. Now that he is about to be executed it is all boiling to the surface. State execution is too good for him. I want him raped and tortured over a period of several hours. I want him to be terrorized - to know what it's like to know that you are going to die, but that death won't come. I want him to want death to come. What's more is that I want to be the one to terrorize him.
I am scared of this side of my being. It's very animalistic, very primal. I feel it at my core. The things I've imagined doing to that man over the past week are gory and inventive and I enjoy every minute of the fantasy. It doesn't nauseate me, it excites me, and that's what scares me. I have never felt this kind of rage toward another person before. I don't see him as human and would have no problem slowly tearing him apart.
I am angry that he is "getting off" with the execution. I know some people believe in that fairy tale called Hell, but I don't. I don't believe that he is going to suffer at all in payment for the suffering he caused not only to Cari, but to her family and friends all of these years. I want that man to suffer, and he's been spared that. He will have a much more peaceful death than he granted to my best friend and for that I will forever hate him.
So last night was my 11th workout. It was time for a weigh in and update. When I started the program I weighed 198 and my body fat was about 25%. As of last night, my weight is 191 and my body fat is 21%. It's hard for me to believe that it would drop this much this fast, but I guess the program works. Last night was also time to up the weights a little in the first circuit. It was a killer. I could barely walk out of there, but at the same time it was great!
After the workout, Mark, Brian, and I went to the 10:30 feature of Zodiac. It was an amazing movie. Very intense, and very long. We didn't leave the theatre until 1:30! But I would highly recommend it. The story, the acting, the writing - all of it was great! It's rare these days for me to feel that way walking out of a movie. I actually want to see it again to look for a few clues that were probably in there early on.
14 years ago my best friend was raped and murdered. The two men who did it were captured pretty quickly. James Clark was convicted and sentenced to death, his accomplice, James Brown was sentenced to 20 years.
Clark was scheduled for execution twice and both times it was stopped because his lawyers pulled something new out of their ass. The last time was in 2004. The lawyers claimed that based on his test scores when he was younger and the fact that he spent some time in a mental institution he was mentally retarded. This happened shortly after it was decided that mentally retarded people can not be executed.
So, for the past couple of years we hadn't really heard much about it. It turns out that he was appealing to the US Supreme Court. That took some time, but Monday they decided to deny the appeal, Wednesday a district judge signed the death warrant. His execution is set for April 11.
Here is the full story from yesterday's paper written by the reporter who covered the murders 14 years ago.
So I left work early today to go check out the Trooper. I LOVED it!!! It's exactly what I wanted. So, I drove it off the lot. WooHooooo!!! Now I don't have to be embarassed when people want me to drive.
My inspection sticker on my 1994 Trooper expired last april. Last week I got a ticket for it. I can't believe I made it a year without being noticed! Anyway, I knew it needed some work done so I took it to a shop and had them run a full diagnostic. In order for it to pass inspection I need to have the front brakes replaced, something about valves, and something about the front axle (all I know about cars is how to drive). All told about $2500. That's what I paid for the thing to start with.
Even though it is 12 years old and has some issues, I absolutely LOVE my Trooper. So, I decided that it's all I want to drive. Now that it's time to get something "new", the search for a Trooper has begun. I found a 2001 in Irving that I'm going to go look at today. I gathered my title along with other necessary paperwork so that in the event that I love it, I'm prepared to buy it.
My only fear with all of this is the financing. I have shitty credit, so I know the interest is going to be ridiculous, but we'll see.
