I've always loved the fact that I'm from Dallas (well, technically Denton, about 30 minutes away). I grew up coming here for events, museums, etc and have lived most of my adult life here. Recently, I had really been considering the possibilities of relocating and came to the realization that I'm too rooted here. However, if not for family and friends, I still don't know that I would want to move.
This weekend in NY we were in the Village when a very large man started yelling "Faggot" at someone leaving his shop (or something - we kinda missed what happened). But I realized, I've never heard that yelled out once in Dallas. It's happened, sure, but I've heard that word and had more problems with "gay bashing" in San Francisco and New York than I've ever experienced in Dallas.
I wasn't sure what it was about this city that made it so comfortable. Until I came across this article in Time last week. It made me realize why I love this city and why I never want to leave - and why there are more and more transplants every week.
Wednesday, May 30, 2007
Tuesday, May 29, 2007
GBNYC 4
Let me just say that hanging out in NY with a group of locals is so much more fun than doing the tourist thing. GBNYC was a blast! I don't really know where to begin. Getting there was a major pain in the ass - delayed flight and half of the plane's luggage was lost for about an hour at LaGuardia. Once we were at Therapy, Mark and Brian were finally able to relax a bit. It took me a few drinks before I was able to because I didn't know anyone and I hate new social situations. But I finally got to meet Joe My God, Palochi, Someone in a Tree, Crash and Byrne, etc, etc...We got tired of Therapy and decided to check out a great little bar called Posh. After a couple of drinks we called it a night.
Saturday we met the guys at Central Park (after a brief detour in Harlem) to watch impromptu roller disco. After a couple of hours we realized that we still hadn't done what, in all truth, we had come to do - shop at the Kenneth Cole flagship store. We had a 2-hour window in which to buy an outfit before going back to the hotel and getting ready for dinner. It sounds like enough time, but believe me, we escaped by the skin of our teeth - one outfit head to toe apiece.
Odd that the best Cajun food I've ever had was in Hell's Kitchen NYC. We went to Delta Grill with Patrick, Byrne, and Scott. I had a few Hurricanes (Mark and Brian passed their drinks to me because they were a little strong) and Lenore's Chicken - the most amazing Cajun dish I've ever had. Next weekend I'll be in New Orleans, I'll see if I can find anything close to it. I seriously wanted to go back the next night!
Marie's Crisis was our next stop. This little hole-in-the-wall piano bar has been around for ages. It is the size of my closet in the basement of the building. The drinks are very strong, the light is dim, and the piano is loud - but not as loud as the wanna-be chorus boys belting out whatever tune is being played. God Forbid you don't know the words to some obscure little musical that hasn't been onstage since 1920 - they'll look at you like you don't belong. But, just relax, have another drink, and wait - soon enough there will be a tune everyone knows! After developing sore throats we stumbled back to the hotel for the night. As we were getting ready for bed, Mark, in his drunkeness decided to read to us from the Book of Mormon. A fun time was had by all.
Sunday brought some aimless wandering around the city followed by a beer bust at The Dugout. After about 20 minutes of visiting I couldn't breathe. The crowd was too thick and it was too hot in there. I took a cab back to the hotel and told Mark to call me when they decide to go somewhere else - I had to get out. They called later from a bar called View. I joined them there and had the first of several Martinis for the night. From there we ate dinner and headed to The Eagle. We hung out on the rooftop patio before calling it a night.
Monday, we took the train to Long Island for a barbecue. It was nice to get out of the city for the day. We had a great time with Marc & Jess and a contingent of folks from the weekend. It was a great way to relax before heading back home. As much as I loved the trip, I have to admit, it's always nice to come home.
It's taken a couple of days to recover which is why I'm just now posting. I let Mark and Brian play paparazzi for the weekend so here are their pictures from the weekend. I think I took a total of five.
Thursday, May 24, 2007
Off to NY
The time has come! Tomorrow we leave for NY for GBNYC4! I haven't been to NY in a few years and am excited to be going back. This is only my second trip, my first was with my parents and Matt. Coincidentally my parents are going to be in NY this weekend too. Our flight is at 2, my parents' at 2:50 - same airline, same airport. Just kinda weird.
I just hope we are able to take off tomorrow. We had some really strong storms come through with lots of lightning. They cancelled all flights leaving DFW Airport. Tomorrow is supposed to be more severe thunderstorms and flash flooding. We're holding our breath that we will be able to leave, because if not, we're screwed - all flights are full. But I know all will be well...it has to be - I need this little vacation too much!
So, after packing tonight and running around cleaning house, I'm exhausted. I'm headed to bed. I look forward to bringing back many good stories!
I just hope we are able to take off tomorrow. We had some really strong storms come through with lots of lightning. They cancelled all flights leaving DFW Airport. Tomorrow is supposed to be more severe thunderstorms and flash flooding. We're holding our breath that we will be able to leave, because if not, we're screwed - all flights are full. But I know all will be well...it has to be - I need this little vacation too much!
So, after packing tonight and running around cleaning house, I'm exhausted. I'm headed to bed. I look forward to bringing back many good stories!
Wednesday, May 23, 2007
Daddy's Little Girl
Because I see her everyday, I don't think of Abby as a giant dog. In my eyes she's still a puppy with a lot of growing to do. I always kind of laugh when people comment on how large she is because I just don't see it normally. Last night is a different story though.
I got home late and decided to hang out with Abby on the floor and give her some attention while I was catching up on missed episodes of The Tudors. At one point I grabbed her paw and put it in my hand - it completely covered it!
A little bit later she got up for a drink of water and when she came back over she stopped for a minute, hovering over me. I was sitting on the floor and she was standing with her head above mine dripping water all over me. Daddy's little girl is becoming bigger than Daddy!
Although I don't think she'll get any taller (she can see over the counter), she has enough extra skin to fill out pretty nicely. I figure in the next year she'll fill out to her final adult size - I'm hoping she'll hit 130-140 pounds. Right now she's 120.
Monday, May 21, 2007
A Bad Gay Man
I'm a bad gay man. Not to say that I'm a bad person, I'm not. But I don't make a good gay man. This isn't a new realization, but it has just been reinforced lately. To start with I have no idea how to pick someone up, but even if I did, I'm not sure it would lead to much. It is a miracle I have the experience with men that I have when I stop to think about it. But looking back, I met most of them through friends.
I have never once had a random casual encounter with someone I picked up anywhere. It's not even that I want that, but I don't know that I could do it if I wanted. I was in Macy's the other day and there were gay men littered about. After walking around and doing "the dance" with a couple of them, I was kind of lost. I thought, "what if I wanted to close the deal? What would I do?" I had no answer.
I made and held eye contact with a couple of them, smiled, then after making my purchase I left the store. I didn't know what else to do. It really is amazing to me that I've been out of the closet since I was 17, but am not capable of the random pick-up. It is just a skill I never acquired. Thank god I meet people occasionally through friends otherwise I would live the life of a celibate. If I were left to my own devices I'd starve.
I have never once had a random casual encounter with someone I picked up anywhere. It's not even that I want that, but I don't know that I could do it if I wanted. I was in Macy's the other day and there were gay men littered about. After walking around and doing "the dance" with a couple of them, I was kind of lost. I thought, "what if I wanted to close the deal? What would I do?" I had no answer.
I made and held eye contact with a couple of them, smiled, then after making my purchase I left the store. I didn't know what else to do. It really is amazing to me that I've been out of the closet since I was 17, but am not capable of the random pick-up. It is just a skill I never acquired. Thank god I meet people occasionally through friends otherwise I would live the life of a celibate. If I were left to my own devices I'd starve.
Friday, May 18, 2007
Another Step in My Recovery
I realized something this morning...I hate feeling drugged up. It shows how far I've come from a couple of years ago. I spent 8 years of my life on crystal meth and coke in addition to valium and vicodin. I was always either up or down, but in both cases I was trying to numb myself to the world around me - and I was very successful.
There would be times that I would get a prescription for Lortab (legally) and take them all within a couple of days. I just didn't want to feel anything. Right now I have 3 bottles of the stuff sitting at home because I just don't need or want it. I hang on to it for those occasions where my back is killing me or something, but I've had a couple of those bottles for 6 months.
It is such a strange concept to me to want to feel everyday. Believe me, there are still plenty of days where I don't want to get out of bed, but instead of hiding in a bottle of pills, I work through it and get off my ass (usually).
Because I still crave coke and meth pretty regularly, I've spent most of my recovery focused on those drugs. I hadn't even thought about the pain killers until I was cleaning out the medicine cabinet and saw several bottles of them sitting there unused - and seeing all of them before me didn't arouse any cravings. I like the fact that I'm not living in a fog anymore. I can't believe I spent so many years just barely functioning. I've come along much further than I'd realized! It's a great day!
There would be times that I would get a prescription for Lortab (legally) and take them all within a couple of days. I just didn't want to feel anything. Right now I have 3 bottles of the stuff sitting at home because I just don't need or want it. I hang on to it for those occasions where my back is killing me or something, but I've had a couple of those bottles for 6 months.
It is such a strange concept to me to want to feel everyday. Believe me, there are still plenty of days where I don't want to get out of bed, but instead of hiding in a bottle of pills, I work through it and get off my ass (usually).
Because I still crave coke and meth pretty regularly, I've spent most of my recovery focused on those drugs. I hadn't even thought about the pain killers until I was cleaning out the medicine cabinet and saw several bottles of them sitting there unused - and seeing all of them before me didn't arouse any cravings. I like the fact that I'm not living in a fog anymore. I can't believe I spent so many years just barely functioning. I've come along much further than I'd realized! It's a great day!
Thursday, May 17, 2007
Meet Julia
Well, awhile back I started to introduce the showroom cats and got sidetracked. The first cat I told you about was Sissy, the yogurt thief. Today, let me introduce Julia. She was adopted along with Sissy a couple of years ago and is the living definition of a scaredy cat.
She has the most beautiful eyes I've ever seen. They are the coolest blue-green color which usually draws attention from our clients. However, as soon as you move toward her to pet her she takes off. She doesn't trust hardly anyone, including us. We cannot walk up to her and pet her, much less pick her up. We don't know what we'll do if she ever has to go to the vet.
She is the smallest cat we have which makes her fair game to a couple of the others. There is one cat in particular I'll introduce you to another time that attacks Julia any chance she gets. If the other cat is on the prowl Julia ends up in my lap because the other one is scared of me. I am her protector - home base. So, needless to say, she spends most of the day in my lap. (I still can't go to pet her or pick her up though.)
Wednesday, May 16, 2007
Firmly Planted
I've recently discovered that I'm much more rooted than I have ever been. In talking to Seattle Guy online I started to think about the possibilities of uprooting my life and moving. I have always said I want to someday go back to San Francisco or the West Coast, so I started to ponder whether or not that was something I would really be able to do if it meant being with a wonderful man and having a life I'd always dreamt about. I began by looking at my life today, what I would be leaving behind: family, friends, a job that I love, and a life that I've built.
I'm very close to my parents and see them regularly. I'll admit it, I'm a Mama's Boy. One of the hardest parts of living in CA before was that I only got to see my parents 2-3 times a year instead of 2-3 times a month. I know that unless I can afford to fly home at least once a month, then I have no desire to move. My sister and her family are also in the metroplex and I get to see her and my niece and nephew on a regular basis. I don't want to be the absent uncle that they only see a couple of times a year. They are the closest thing I'm ever going to have to my own children and I don't want to miss out on their lives.
I'm fortunate enough to have two best friends, but even more fortunate that they both live in Dallas. It wasn't always the case. Stacie and I have lived in different places at different times. The past several years have been the first time we've lived in the same city since just after High School. I know it won't last because she has plans to move on in a few years, but I want to enjoy it while I can. And there's Mark. He has become such an irreplaceable part of my life. I don't know how I could ever leave him behind.
I have searched for a job like mine for years. I get to work with high end designers, but I can do it in jeans. I work with 5 other people in a very un-corporate atmosphere. My hours are Monday through Friday 9-5. We're a small, close, sarcastic, and bitchy family and I don't want to give that up anytime soon.
So, I've decided I'm not going anywhere. I am very proud of being a Texan and I love Dallas. It's home. The only thing I can't stand is the heat and as awful as that is, it's not enough for me to give up everything else I have here. This is the first time in my life I feel rooted somewhere and unable to up and leave, and I have to say, I really like it.
I'm very close to my parents and see them regularly. I'll admit it, I'm a Mama's Boy. One of the hardest parts of living in CA before was that I only got to see my parents 2-3 times a year instead of 2-3 times a month. I know that unless I can afford to fly home at least once a month, then I have no desire to move. My sister and her family are also in the metroplex and I get to see her and my niece and nephew on a regular basis. I don't want to be the absent uncle that they only see a couple of times a year. They are the closest thing I'm ever going to have to my own children and I don't want to miss out on their lives.
I'm fortunate enough to have two best friends, but even more fortunate that they both live in Dallas. It wasn't always the case. Stacie and I have lived in different places at different times. The past several years have been the first time we've lived in the same city since just after High School. I know it won't last because she has plans to move on in a few years, but I want to enjoy it while I can. And there's Mark. He has become such an irreplaceable part of my life. I don't know how I could ever leave him behind.
I have searched for a job like mine for years. I get to work with high end designers, but I can do it in jeans. I work with 5 other people in a very un-corporate atmosphere. My hours are Monday through Friday 9-5. We're a small, close, sarcastic, and bitchy family and I don't want to give that up anytime soon.
So, I've decided I'm not going anywhere. I am very proud of being a Texan and I love Dallas. It's home. The only thing I can't stand is the heat and as awful as that is, it's not enough for me to give up everything else I have here. This is the first time in my life I feel rooted somewhere and unable to up and leave, and I have to say, I really like it.
Tuesday, May 15, 2007
Mixed Messages
I'm getting mixed messages from the universe today. I'm not sure what kind of day to expect. I actually got going at a decent hour this morning and was out of the house by 7:30 - showered and shaved and everything! When I stopped to get coffee a woman saw Abby in the back and smiled and said "Hello" to both of us - the day was starting pretty good.
I got to her daycare and went around the back to let her out when I slipped in something. Dog shit. Someone had let their dog take a shit in the parking lot and didn't clean it up or tell anyone about it. I HAVE DOG SHIT ON MY KENNETH COLE BOOTS!!! That was a little slap in the face. Needless to say, my mood changed pretty quickly.
Until I got to work. I opened my email and had a surprise from Mark. Just a nice gesture, nothing big, but it meant a lot. I asked him what prompted it and he said that he just wanted to do something nice today. So my mood is elevated again. I feel like the universe is playing games with me. I hope I'm wrong - I'm not in the mood for games. I can lead myself on emotional roller coasters without any outside help, thank you very much!
I got to her daycare and went around the back to let her out when I slipped in something. Dog shit. Someone had let their dog take a shit in the parking lot and didn't clean it up or tell anyone about it. I HAVE DOG SHIT ON MY KENNETH COLE BOOTS!!! That was a little slap in the face. Needless to say, my mood changed pretty quickly.
Until I got to work. I opened my email and had a surprise from Mark. Just a nice gesture, nothing big, but it meant a lot. I asked him what prompted it and he said that he just wanted to do something nice today. So my mood is elevated again. I feel like the universe is playing games with me. I hope I'm wrong - I'm not in the mood for games. I can lead myself on emotional roller coasters without any outside help, thank you very much!
Monday, May 14, 2007
Too tired for a title
The weekend was great! But, the biggest news of the weekend wasn't at the Ranch, it was here at home. Before getting to that though, here are pictures from this weekend.
Now to the news of the weekend. Let me start by saying I love living where I am and I am still looking at buying a place in the neighborhood because I can see where this area is going. That being said, this is still a neighborhood with problems.
Friday evening (May 11) at 6:00pm a man was shot and killed in front of my building. Granted, he was a drug dealer and someone who spent a lot of time out by the street, but it was still close to home. Apparently, according to other residents, he had called the police saying that someone was trying to kill him. After they were around for about an hour or so they left. About 15 minutes later a car pulled up and shot him.
The good news in this is that is wasn't random. The bad thing is that it was a very real reminder that with all of the improvements going on around us, the area is still very transitional.
Now to the news of the weekend. Let me start by saying I love living where I am and I am still looking at buying a place in the neighborhood because I can see where this area is going. That being said, this is still a neighborhood with problems.
Friday evening (May 11) at 6:00pm a man was shot and killed in front of my building. Granted, he was a drug dealer and someone who spent a lot of time out by the street, but it was still close to home. Apparently, according to other residents, he had called the police saying that someone was trying to kill him. After they were around for about an hour or so they left. About 15 minutes later a car pulled up and shot him.
The good news in this is that is wasn't random. The bad thing is that it was a very real reminder that with all of the improvements going on around us, the area is still very transitional.
Friday, May 11, 2007
Sorry for the delay...
I want to start by apologizing for disappearing this week. I realize my entry on Sunday wasn't a very pleasant one. This was a very emotional week for me and I just wasn't able to focus on this blog. There are things going on with me right now that I'm having trouble understanding and figuring out, but just know that I'm ok. Thank you to everyone who has expressed concern for my well-being. It really does mean a lot. I'm sorry for making you worry. And now, back to your regularly scheduled blog...
So on Tuesday my right foot started hurting really bad. The pain started just in my big toe. It felt like a bruised tendon or something so I wasn't really worried about it. I had just bought my most recent pair of KC's and while they are wonderful shoes and I love every pair I own, they are not necessarily built for comfort. So, I just wrote the pain off to breaking in new shoes.
By midday the pain had spread to the ball of my foot and then into the arch. By the evening my foot was swollen and I could hardly walk. Before work on Wednesday I ran to Walgreen's and bought some arch supports still thinking it was shoe related (I have very high arches - picture Barbie feet with hair). By Wednesday evening I was in pretty bad shape.
Thursday morning I called work and told them I'd be running late - I had to go to the doctor. She looked at the swelling and tenderness and asked me, "Have you been eating a lot of meat or protein in general?" CRAP! I told her about the protein shakes. Dammit. She told me no more protein shakes for a couple of weeks and then only minimal amounts. I have Gout - but a very minor case. Apparently this can happen when your body is unable to process the amount of protein in your body.
She gave me some anti-inflammatory medication and Lortab (thank you!) for the pain. After only 3 doses of the anti-inflammatory the difference is like night and day. There is still a little tenderness, but at least I'm not limping!
So, now I'm sitting at Mark and Brian's waiting for Mark to get home. Brian and I went to the store to stock up on everything we need for the weekend and now we're just waiting on Mark. And waiting. Our goal is to leave town at 4 to beat as much traffic as possible and to get ready for the kegger tonight. I hope to have a full report complete with pictures when I return!
So on Tuesday my right foot started hurting really bad. The pain started just in my big toe. It felt like a bruised tendon or something so I wasn't really worried about it. I had just bought my most recent pair of KC's and while they are wonderful shoes and I love every pair I own, they are not necessarily built for comfort. So, I just wrote the pain off to breaking in new shoes.
By midday the pain had spread to the ball of my foot and then into the arch. By the evening my foot was swollen and I could hardly walk. Before work on Wednesday I ran to Walgreen's and bought some arch supports still thinking it was shoe related (I have very high arches - picture Barbie feet with hair). By Wednesday evening I was in pretty bad shape.
Thursday morning I called work and told them I'd be running late - I had to go to the doctor. She looked at the swelling and tenderness and asked me, "Have you been eating a lot of meat or protein in general?" CRAP! I told her about the protein shakes. Dammit. She told me no more protein shakes for a couple of weeks and then only minimal amounts. I have Gout - but a very minor case. Apparently this can happen when your body is unable to process the amount of protein in your body.
She gave me some anti-inflammatory medication and Lortab (thank you!) for the pain. After only 3 doses of the anti-inflammatory the difference is like night and day. There is still a little tenderness, but at least I'm not limping!
So, now I'm sitting at Mark and Brian's waiting for Mark to get home. Brian and I went to the store to stock up on everything we need for the weekend and now we're just waiting on Mark. And waiting. Our goal is to leave town at 4 to beat as much traffic as possible and to get ready for the kegger tonight. I hope to have a full report complete with pictures when I return!
Monday, May 7, 2007
Time to grow up
So I've decided it's time to grow up and look into owning property. My neighborhood is "transitional". It's one of the oldest neighborhoods in Dallas where Victorian mansions lined the streets. Now all that remains are miscellaneous steps leading up from the sidewalk to a vacant lot - the houses long-demolished. Every now and then there is an industrial building remaining that has either been turned into lofts or is awaiting transformation. I live in one of those.
Some of the vacant lots are slowly being filled with new townhomes. Developers are now looking at my neighborhood as an up-and-comer. RIght now the homes are very inexpensive (2 bed 2.5 bath, courtyard, rooftop deck, view of downtown, backyard - $160,000). In a few years the value will skyrocket. Right now is the time to buy because people are still scared of the neighborhood.
When I say transitional, I mean it. There are many homeless around us. Many. Most are nice and we have very few issues if any. But, it's still a scary place for a lot of people and like most change, it will take awhile. So, for those few brave souls out there, I'm surrounded by investment opportunities. Now I just have to grab my little piece!
I got a call from the mortgage company today. They told me all I have to do is pay off a couple of my credit cards and I'm set. I expected them to tell me it would be a year of jumping through hoops when in reality it could be 6 months! Now I just have to sit down and play with my budget. That's always a treat!
Some of the vacant lots are slowly being filled with new townhomes. Developers are now looking at my neighborhood as an up-and-comer. RIght now the homes are very inexpensive (2 bed 2.5 bath, courtyard, rooftop deck, view of downtown, backyard - $160,000). In a few years the value will skyrocket. Right now is the time to buy because people are still scared of the neighborhood.
When I say transitional, I mean it. There are many homeless around us. Many. Most are nice and we have very few issues if any. But, it's still a scary place for a lot of people and like most change, it will take awhile. So, for those few brave souls out there, I'm surrounded by investment opportunities. Now I just have to grab my little piece!
I got a call from the mortgage company today. They told me all I have to do is pay off a couple of my credit cards and I'm set. I expected them to tell me it would be a year of jumping through hoops when in reality it could be 6 months! Now I just have to sit down and play with my budget. That's always a treat!
Sunday, May 6, 2007
Ramblings of a depressed man...
Depression is a funny thing (kind of an ironic statement.) It comes on so unexpectedly sometimes and can leave just as unexpectedly. I have battled depression my entire life and two years ago was diagnosed with Major Depressive Disorder with a little Post Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD) thrown in for good measure.
I am on three different anti-depession medications that seem to keep things at bay for the most part - but they aren't cure. They help control the chemical imbalances, but I have to change the cognitive processes that are well-established. While it's an easier battle than it used to be, I have to fight depression on a daily basis.
Friday is a good example. I was in a pretty good mood and energetic throughout most of the day. Suddenly about 2:30pm, the bottom dropped out. I suddenly didn't want to move. I didn't care about finishing my work, about friends that called, or about anything really. I just wanted to curl into the fetal position and disappear.
I went straight from work to see Spider-Man 3 with Mark. Although we had a good time I was still pretty numb through most of the evening. Saturday morning I woke up refreshed. I took Mark to the airport, picked up Abby from boarding and went home.
I crashed - again. I suddenly didn't want to go anywhere or do anything. All I wanted to do was sleep and/or watch TV. So - that's what I did. I spent some time on and off chatting with Randy (Seattle guy) which was really the only bright spot in the day. I really wish I was able to go to Seattle this weekend. I ended up needing to get out of the house, so I called Matt and we went to see "Hot Fuzz."
After returning home I went to bed. This morning I didn't wake up refreshed or energized. I just woke up. I spent time chatting with Randy, watching TV, and sleeping. At about 6pm I decided I needed to go to the store to get out of the house. The depression continued.
At the store I was surrounded by happy little gay couples planning meals and parties together while I was searching the shelves for my single serving dinners. I realized that I have been a lot lonlier than I thought. I have met someone that I would love to plan dinners and parties with, but I've let fear, outside influences, and distance come between us.
I have probably said way too much, but I needed an outlet. My depression is a real battle and sometimes I just get tired of fighting it. I'm ready to start a life with someone. Buy a house, own pets, take vacations. Someone to love and someone who will love me as I am. It's a tall order, I know, but I'm holding out.
I am on three different anti-depession medications that seem to keep things at bay for the most part - but they aren't cure. They help control the chemical imbalances, but I have to change the cognitive processes that are well-established. While it's an easier battle than it used to be, I have to fight depression on a daily basis.
Friday is a good example. I was in a pretty good mood and energetic throughout most of the day. Suddenly about 2:30pm, the bottom dropped out. I suddenly didn't want to move. I didn't care about finishing my work, about friends that called, or about anything really. I just wanted to curl into the fetal position and disappear.
I went straight from work to see Spider-Man 3 with Mark. Although we had a good time I was still pretty numb through most of the evening. Saturday morning I woke up refreshed. I took Mark to the airport, picked up Abby from boarding and went home.
I crashed - again. I suddenly didn't want to go anywhere or do anything. All I wanted to do was sleep and/or watch TV. So - that's what I did. I spent some time on and off chatting with Randy (Seattle guy) which was really the only bright spot in the day. I really wish I was able to go to Seattle this weekend. I ended up needing to get out of the house, so I called Matt and we went to see "Hot Fuzz."
After returning home I went to bed. This morning I didn't wake up refreshed or energized. I just woke up. I spent time chatting with Randy, watching TV, and sleeping. At about 6pm I decided I needed to go to the store to get out of the house. The depression continued.
At the store I was surrounded by happy little gay couples planning meals and parties together while I was searching the shelves for my single serving dinners. I realized that I have been a lot lonlier than I thought. I have met someone that I would love to plan dinners and parties with, but I've let fear, outside influences, and distance come between us.
I have probably said way too much, but I needed an outlet. My depression is a real battle and sometimes I just get tired of fighting it. I'm ready to start a life with someone. Buy a house, own pets, take vacations. Someone to love and someone who will love me as I am. It's a tall order, I know, but I'm holding out.
Friday, May 4, 2007
Shopping Therapy
Well, it's been a long week, so I needed a little shopping therapy. Mark to the rescue! We went to Northpark Mall to hit up Macy's. They've just moved a lot of stuff over to the sale racks. On the way, Mark took the wrong exit and we ended up going in across the mall from Macy's. This may not seem like a big deal, but it meant that we had to pass the Kenneth Cole store. Anyone who knows me or reads this blog knows about my little addiction to KC.
Mark and I can't "pass" a Kenneth Cole store, and the shoes I was wearing (one of 3 pair that isn't KC) were a little squeaky. Therefore - I needed new shoes - obviously. We walked in and were greeted with a "wow, you haven't been in in about a week and a half!" That girl loves us. We went straight to the shoes and there they were. Some Chuck Taylors in leather. I think I peed a little.
After Mark talked me out of spending $120 on a pair of flip-flops (they were so comfortable), I opted to try on the Chuck Taylors. They were pretty damn comfortable, and only $70. The salesgirl (I really should learn her name) went to the "vault" in the back and brought out a 20% off coupon (I think I could fall in love with her - I know, she's a woman, but she can get me discounts at KC!)
Mark bought a pair of sunglasses. After I told the salesgirl of his KC outlet debacle when he bought sunglasses, she took pity on him and brought him a leather glasses case instead of the cloth pouch (you're welcome). It's good to have friends in high places!
Afterward we hit Macy's and The Gap. Both were having good sales and I walked away with about 5 new shirts. All in all it was a very successful shopping trip. I felt much better by the time we left the mall!
Mark and I can't "pass" a Kenneth Cole store, and the shoes I was wearing (one of 3 pair that isn't KC) were a little squeaky. Therefore - I needed new shoes - obviously. We walked in and were greeted with a "wow, you haven't been in in about a week and a half!" That girl loves us. We went straight to the shoes and there they were. Some Chuck Taylors in leather. I think I peed a little.
After Mark talked me out of spending $120 on a pair of flip-flops (they were so comfortable), I opted to try on the Chuck Taylors. They were pretty damn comfortable, and only $70. The salesgirl (I really should learn her name) went to the "vault" in the back and brought out a 20% off coupon (I think I could fall in love with her - I know, she's a woman, but she can get me discounts at KC!)
Mark bought a pair of sunglasses. After I told the salesgirl of his KC outlet debacle when he bought sunglasses, she took pity on him and brought him a leather glasses case instead of the cloth pouch (you're welcome). It's good to have friends in high places!
Afterward we hit Macy's and The Gap. Both were having good sales and I walked away with about 5 new shirts. All in all it was a very successful shopping trip. I felt much better by the time we left the mall!
Tuesday, May 1, 2007
Grandaddy
Well, it seems based on emails and comments that I don't have to tell about last weekend. Mark did a bang up job and really the pictures speak louder than words. Since pretty much every moment was spent with Mark there's no need for me to rehash it. Besides there are too many other things to write about.
Today is kind of a weird day for me. First, today would have been my six year anniversary with Matt. We split in October, and while I'm ok now it's just a little strange to think that for the past several years I was celebrating an anniversary at this time. I'm further reminded of this by Mark and Brian's anniversary (3 years) and a couple of other anniversaries. What is it about April/May?
This is also always a day when I reflect on my maternal grandfather. Today is his birthday. He died when I was just 6 months old - I was the only grandchild he had the chance to meet. I have always had a very strong connection to him though. My mom has said that if I hadn't been born before he died, she'd swear I was him reincarnated. He has had a profound influence on my life.
I have always felt his presence, especially when I was in school for Interior Design. He was an Interior Designer and he taught Interior Design classes. I always felt like he was leaning over my shoulder when I worked.
There are many similarities between us: favorite drinks, movies, attitude, addictive personalities. But the most noted similarity I didn't find out until I was 17 and came out to my parents. My grandfather was gay. When I reflect on his life, I wonder what it must have been like for him to be gay in Louisiana and Texas in the 40's, 50's, 60's, and 70's. I'm sure it was the source of his addiction to pain killers.
I just wish he'd lived long enough for me to be able to tell him how important he has been to me. While I can't really say role model, he has definitely influenced many facets of my life, both good and bad. He died 31 years ago, but I still miss him terribly.
Today is kind of a weird day for me. First, today would have been my six year anniversary with Matt. We split in October, and while I'm ok now it's just a little strange to think that for the past several years I was celebrating an anniversary at this time. I'm further reminded of this by Mark and Brian's anniversary (3 years) and a couple of other anniversaries. What is it about April/May?
This is also always a day when I reflect on my maternal grandfather. Today is his birthday. He died when I was just 6 months old - I was the only grandchild he had the chance to meet. I have always had a very strong connection to him though. My mom has said that if I hadn't been born before he died, she'd swear I was him reincarnated. He has had a profound influence on my life.
I have always felt his presence, especially when I was in school for Interior Design. He was an Interior Designer and he taught Interior Design classes. I always felt like he was leaning over my shoulder when I worked.
There are many similarities between us: favorite drinks, movies, attitude, addictive personalities. But the most noted similarity I didn't find out until I was 17 and came out to my parents. My grandfather was gay. When I reflect on his life, I wonder what it must have been like for him to be gay in Louisiana and Texas in the 40's, 50's, 60's, and 70's. I'm sure it was the source of his addiction to pain killers.
I just wish he'd lived long enough for me to be able to tell him how important he has been to me. While I can't really say role model, he has definitely influenced many facets of my life, both good and bad. He died 31 years ago, but I still miss him terribly.
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